Smooth Talkin' with Stray Cooper

STRAY

Yo girl, I been watching you in your wheelchair all night, and I just had to talk to you.


WOMAN

Is that right?


STRAY

Yeah, girl, I have a disability, too - a disability for beautiful women.


WOMAN

I think you mean you have a "weakness" for beautiful women.


STRAY
Right. That's what I just said.

Incontinent? Yes. Confident? You betcha.

I'm not the type who makes excuses, who looks for scapegoats. I don't whine about the hand I was dealt, even when the nature of my hand involves regularly messing myself with my own waste. Am I incontinent? Yes. Am I still confident? You betcha.

It's true, there are not many twenty-six year-olds who are clinically incontinent. And yes, it's also true that my incontinence may from time to time make my life more complicated than were I a twenty-six year-old who did posses some control over his bowels. But it's like my mother always told me: People just want...people just...OK, would you please excuse me for a moment?

Sorry about that. Where was I? People just want to do the best they can, that's it. And that's how I look at things. Life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. And if life gives you a bladder the size of a peanut M&M, then you...you...whew, OK just two seconds, if I may. Be right - oh God...

I may be irregular, but I'm still a regular guy. I like going to baseball games. Sure, I may not usually be able to get through whole innings at a time, or the top/bottom of an inning for that matter, but it's still a fun day at the ballpark for me. Or I can have a ball just hanging out at home and playing a game with my friends. Just no Monopoly. Or Risk. Tic-tac-toe is good.

Basically, the thing about me is...oh Jesus I knew I shouldn't have had coffee...just...just wait, please.

Like I was saying, oh...oh no...no, don't look at that. I'm going to have to get back to...oh...OK 'til later then!

Beer Truck Diaries - First Entry

Dear Sometimes-It's-Better-To-Just-Not-Think-Fan, or SIBTJNTF(er), as I've been known to call you when chatting my other blog buddies, or when I'm thinking of you in the middle of the night:

It's been a while - too long a while, if you ask me. Sorry about that. Man, I just bailed on you. Totally crude, man - my bad. But it's not completely my fault. See, I had to find a job, and after a while I found one: Beer Truck Assistant! That's right, my babies - I got a dolly and a cooler and Beck's Light button-up shirt and...well you can probably mentally sketch the awesomeness of how I look. (Sick, huh?)

It's a hard job, moving beer all day, but it certainly has its benefits. I'm getting more exercise than I have in years, I get tan every day (especially my right forearm), and I'm finding all sorts of yarns to spin for you guys!

So without further ado, the first of an undetermined number of installments of...

Beer Truck Diaries (Diaries...Diaries...Diaries...Diaries...Diaries...)

Have You Met My New Black Friend - Dave!

TVM: Damn, I thought those cases would never end!

Dave: Man, you said it.

TVM: Whew! So, I know this is going to sound crazy, but I didn't really know any black kids when I was growing up.

Dave: Naw man, that's not crazy. I'd even say that's fairly typical, actually.

TVM: Yeah. There were a couple in my high school. We got along great, but we didn't, you know, hang out after school or on the weekends or anything.

Dave: Naw, that's cool. Sometimes it just happens like that, you know?

TVM: And then in college it just worked out that all my friends were white, you know.

Dave: Yo, not a big deal my man. Not a big deal.

TVM: Yeah. So would you be my first black friend?

First Impression

Jerry: You said your name was "Matt", right?

TVM: Yep. (It's incredibly rare that I go by "Matt." I decided to make the change after introducing myself to a driver on my first day and hearing him respond, "'Mathias'? What are you, like Middle-Eastern or somethin?")

Jerry: Gotcha.

TVM: ...

Jerry: ...

TVM: So did you grow up around Chicago, or...

Jerry: Yeah, yeah. Gurnee.

TVM: Oh cool man. So are you a Cubs fan, or a Sox fan?

Jerry: Eh, actually I don't really follow sports that much.

TVM: Hey, that's cool.

Jerry: ...

TVM: ...

Jerry: ...

TVM: Man, I gotta say, I was pretty disappointed when I came into work today. I saw Transformers last night with a buddy of mine, and when I all the trucks lined up in the warehouse, I was really hoping one of them was going to turn into Optimus Prime. But alas.

Jerry: There's a Transformers movie out now?

TVM: Oh, yeah. It's pretty good, actually.

Jerry: Is it a cartoon?

TVM: No, it's live-action. Well, I mean all the robots are CGI. They didn't build Transformers.

Jerry: Oh. I always thought it was a cartoon.

TVM: Yeah. It was for a while.

Jerry: Uh-huh.

TVM: Now it's a movie.

Jerry: ...

TVM: ...

Jerry: ...

TVM: You want to see my Gollum impression?

Learnin' Stuff - With My New Black Friend, Dave!

TVM: Hey, buddy?

Dave: Yeah?

TVM: What's the right time to use the expression, "What it is"? Am I supposed to say it to greet someone, or is it rather the appropriate response when someone asks me how I'm doing? How do you people say it? Dave? Hey, Dave?

Who Is it You're Waking Up With?

TVM: Now that's an advertisement that does more harm than good.

Jerry: Which one?

TVM: See the Lite FM morning show billboard? The one with Whoopi Goldberg? It says, "Wake up with Whoopi." Any radio station that makes me think of waking up in the vicinity of Whoopi Goldberg isn't a radio station that I want anything to have to do with.

Jerry: ...

TVM: ...

Jerry: But you know what they say: Once you go black, you never go back.

TVM: ...

Jerry: ...

TVM: I think that saying is about black men.

Man, Jerry's an Idiot!

TVM: ...and so Jerry says, "Once you go black, you never go back." And I said, "Uhhh, that's about black GUYS, Jerry!"

Dave: Hahaha...oh man Jerry is always sayin' stupid shit like that, man.

TVM: Seriously. Dave, have you ever made it so a white woman didn't want to go back?

Bumpy Ride

Scott: Why are you sitting with your hands in your lap like that?

TVM: No reason.

Scott: Do you...oh sick! You've got a--

TVM: Yeah, OK, this truck is extremely bumpy, so...how about you think about driving less recklessly and stop thinking about me. In that way. Sick, sick creep.