As Long as There's Richard Gere Banning Going on, Count Me in, Too

BY LARRY ZBINKSY



As of today, I would like to join India in officially banning Richard Gere. Or as I like to call him, "Dick" Gere.

Richard Gere is totally a dick. I knew it wouldn't be too long before he pissed off a country bad enough to be outlawed there, seeing as how he's been pissing me off my whole life.

Whenever I meet someone, I usually won't go longer than fifteen minutes into the conversation before I ask just where my new acquaintance stands on Richard Gere. If the response is anything but a swift condemnation, then I know that's one less human being I ever need to associate myself with again.

When I was in my early twenties, I was discussing movies with my father and he told me that he liked "An Officer and a Gentleman." We haven't spoken since.

I don't hate my father. But I do hate Richard Gere. What a prick. Going around like he's some great guy or something just because he's a Buddhist. You know who's not Buddhist? Me. And you know who's a stinky piece of Buddhist crap? Richard Gere.

Have you ever seen "The Mothman Prophecies"? Or "Dr. T and the Women"? Of course you haven't. Nobody has seen those movies. "Oh, but what about 'Chicago'? Richard Gere was in that, and I really like that movie!" Say something like that around me, and you can count on getting banned just like I've banned Richard Gere.

As such, Richard Gere is forbidden from my sister's apartment, where I am keeping residency at the moment. I also ban him from Fitzpatrick's, my favorite bar here in Cleveland and where I like to spend my Friday and Saturday (and sometimes Tuesday and Wednesday) evenings. Should Richard Gere violate this ban, he will have beer poured on his stupid haircut and I will make loud comments about gerbil rumours I remember hearing about several years ago.

Go to hell, Richard Gere.

Bush Shocked by War Bill: "The war's still going on?"

WASHINGTON, April 26 - When asked by reporters today for his reaction to the bill passed in the House on Wednesday - a bill which requires the withdrawal American troops serving in Iraq to begin on October 1st of this year - President Bush expressed shock and disbelief that such a bill was being discussed in the first place.

"You're telling me that the war's still going on? You gotta be kidding," said Bush. "Like, the one in Iraq?"

As the press conference continued, it became more and more apparent that the president had no idea that the U.S. was still involved in the Iraq conflict. "They want to pull the troops out by October? So that means there's soldiers over there right now? What the hell are they doing there?"

"Man, that really sucks," added Bush.

Before long, it was President Bush asking questions of the reporters. Bush was curious "how things were going over there," as well as if politicians from other countries were "still all mad at [him]."

"This is all really just so hard to believe. Are y'all just playing a prank on me? Say Stretch, you set my calendar back again? Is it April first or something?"

President Bush continued asking questions until everyone got so uncomfortable they left.

Beatles Songs With Less Conviction

You Should Consider Hiding Your Love Away

Maybe Love Is Mostly What You Need

She Loves You, I Think

Were Both of Us to Make Certain Concessions and Behave as Adults, There's a Chance We Might Be Able to Work it Out

Let It Be. Or Don't. Your Call.

You Never Give Me Your Money, Not That It Really Bothers Me or Anything

I Am the Walrus (Metaphorically)

Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds. Or Are Those Rubies?

I've Got a Feeling. It Could Just Be Gas, Though

Here, There, and Some Other Places Also

Yellowish Submarine

I Could Do to Get You Into My Life at Some Capacity

Don't Let Me Down, Unless That's Going to Be Too Much Work For You

Tomorrow Only Knows Some of the Time

When I'm Sixty-Four (Should the Icy Scythe of Death Not Cut Me Down Prior)

Not Too Bad Rita

I'm Kind of Tired

Why Don't We Do It in the Road? Because There May Be a Perfectly Sensible Reason Not to Do It That I'm Missing, and I'm Interested in Your Point of View

Julia. Or Maybe Stephanie. She's Nice, Too.

From Where I Stand, My Monkey and I Are Less Likely to Have Something to Hide Than Everybody Else

Twist and/or Shout

Um, Pardon Me. Jude?

They Should Make an Office Show Out of My Office!

Do you ever watch "The Office" on NBC? I just love that show! I watch it every Thursday - even when it's a replay. It's a very good show. I'm not the only one who thinks so, either: They made an office show in England after the one on NBC started taking off. I love "The Office" so much that I download it from iTunes and put it on my iPod, so that I can watch it at my office!

In fact, it was when I was at work watching part of an episode of "The Office" earlier this week when I had a great idea: "Hey! They should make an office show out of my office: The Boulder Abortion Clinic!"

Just like Dunder Mifflin, we've got lots of zany characters at the Boulder Abortion Clinic. There's our head doctor, Dr. Bernstein - he could be like the Michael Scott. Remember the "Office" episode from Season One, where Katy ("The Hot Girl") comes to the office to sell purses and Michael tries really hard to flirt with her? They should make an episode like that for our office, only it would be Dr. Bernstein hitting on a really hot girl who came in for an abortion. "Say, if you're not doing anything after this, do you want to get a snow cone?" I can really see him doing that!

Then there's Dr. Lenham, who is just like Dwight - always sucking up to his boss. Remember the episode where Dwight drives to pick up Michael after he burns his foot in a George Foreman Grill? Dr. Lenham is always doing stuff like that to kiss Dr. Bernstein's butt. "Yes, Dr. Bernstein, I've finished my morning appointments. I can cover for you this time." What a tool! All he needs is a bobble-head and then we have our Dwight.

Did I mention we have a really cute receptionist? Her name is Stacy, and if you ask me, she's even prettier than Pam. Also, she's quiet and a little reserved, but deep down she's probably really funny. She even has a boyfriend, too, just like Pam. Only on "The Office," there's a love triangle between the receptionist, her fiancée, and a coworker who would be perfect for her. So I guess that's something our office doesn't have.

Oh wait, turns out love is blooming at the Boulder Abortion Clinic!

I really connect with Stacy more than anybody else here, so I'm really the Jim of our office show. Stacy's been with Jerry for two years now (I think), but I can tell that she's not really happy with him. The wedding is next week, but I'll bet that she calls it off so that she can be with the sweetest, funniest guy at the Boulder Abortion Clinic: Me!

I'm a big prankster, just like Jim is. Last month, I glued all of Dr. Lenham's forceps together with crazy glue. (Boy, the abortions sure went slow that day!) He deserved it. He's such a creep. Anyways, I do funny stuff like that all the time. Like this one time, I went through Stacy's reservation book and whited out all of the names and replaced them with "Stacy". When she saw the book, I said, "So Stacy, you got any upcoming plans? Maybe something along the lines of, oh I don't know, seventy-two abortions?" You should've seen the look on her face! Man, I'm way funnier than that Jerry guy probably is.

I'm still not sure what to call our office show. I was thinking "The Clinic." Or maybe "The Abortion Office". But that one might sound too much like "The Office". People might get confused.

Oh and we've got a black guy, too! He could be Stanley!

Being Richard Karn

At a Cancun nightclub, a fifty year-old man seated at the bar fingers the fun-size umbrella in his pisco sour. He is alone, smiling, and thinking to himself…


Yessir, yessir! B.P.K. in the house! Got myself a damn tasty pisco sour, the wet t-shirt contest is only half an hour away, and DJ Natural Disaster is jivin real fresh. Too bad he stopped playing Maroon 5, though. “Hey DJ ‘N.D.,’ let’s hear more ‘songs about Jane!’ Come on!”

Come on! Hahaha, yessir, ol’ B.P.K. is lookin’ at a pretty fine night tonight. Wellll…what do we have here? I think my night just got better. Anybody who knows squat about B.P.K. knows he likes the brunettes. Admiral, this is Lieutenant Big Poppa: Deploying Charm Missiles…now.

“Hello, Miss. Might I buy you a drink? My name is—Miss? Hello?”

Man, that music sure is loud. She probably didn’t hear me.

Or she’s just rejecting you.

Shut up. Just…shut it. She obviously didn’t hear Big Poppa, because if she did hear me, I’d be talking to her right now, making her regret it took so much of her life to find me. Here we go: another brunette angel approaches. And what is that I hear? Is it…oh yes, it is! That Black Guy Peace song about humping. DJ Natural Disaster, you sure know how to set Le Mood. Lower your defenses, mi’lady: the U.S.S. Big Poppa requests permission to board.

“Hello, Gorgeous! The name’s Richard, but my friends call me ‘Dick.’ They never call me ‘a dick’ though, since I’m all-around a pretty considerate guy. I’d like to prove that by offering to buy you a dr—“

“Oh, no thanks.”

“Ah, OK I understand. You’re with somebody.”

“No. Goodnight.”

Strrrrike!

Go to hell and shut up. I’m not going to let you ruin this trip for me.

You’re ruining it just fine by yourself. Don’t you realize that women don’t want cheesy pickup lines? Just be yourself. Talk about what you do.

No. No, I don't need to stoop to trying to impress women with my day job.

First, it’s pretty hard for a guy in your position to do any stooping. Second, what’s so glam about heading “Le Feud” anyways?

Zip it. You don’t understand. Nobody understands me…nobody since Debbie.

I knew that’s what this was about! When are you going to give that up?

Give up on true love? Not any time soon, bub.

True love!? Were the two of you in love when she banged that drug-pumping hack Tim?

THAT’S IT! I’ve told you never to speak his name…

“Yo, Big Poppa?”

…around me again! Wha? Who’s…

“Big Poppa Karn, it is you! Yo it’s Tom and Marty from Wash U. Remember us from spring break last year?”

“Yes…yes of course. Hey fellas, great to see you again.”

“Great to see you Poppa Karn! How you been?”

“Me? Oh, I’m…I’m fine.”

“You sure? You don’t look so great.”

“No really, I’m OK. I think I’m about to retire, though.”

“You goin home already? You ain’t even stickin around for the wet T-shirt contest?”

“I don’t think so Ti—Tom. I’m gonna head back to my hotel room and…”

…make love to your right hand?

…make love to my right hand.

“…make myself a light snack.”

You Expect Me to have Sex with THAT?

(Note: How was I to know that The Onion was doing a Panda gag at the same time I was doing this? Theirs is funnier, although I didn't see it until I already finished this. So I didn't copy. But theirs is still funnier.)



by Hank Panda



Ugh! Yuck! That's...that's disgusting! How can you even say something that...I mean...have you no decency, sir? How am I supposed to...I'm not sure where even to...

You expect me to have sex with THAT?

Let me make sure we're on the same page: You're telling me to go have sex with black and white bear over there with the black rings around her eyes?

You're kidding, right?

First of all, I don't appreciate you barging into my pen while I'm in the middle of dinner without so much as knocking. I may not own this pen, but for as long as I'm in it, I expect a certain level of civility.

And second, speaking of being civil, please don't bring up unsavory topics of conversation while I'm trying to eat. Topics such as, well, I don't know...me having sex with 220 pounds of fugly.

I'm not sure, really, who you think you're talking to. I, sir, have got it going on. Check out my huge panda arms and my powerful panda legs. Look with envy upon my round, full belly and admire my black/white, black/white color scheme. Go ahead: Just try telling me I'm not beautiful. Let's see if you can say otherwise straight to my beautiful, beautiful face. Come on, we don't have all day. Ha, just as I thought.

Now let's look at the "date" you have planned for me:


Would you excuse me for a second? I have bamboo to puke up all over myself.

I mean, fuck! Look at how chunky she is. And her coat of fur? It's like she doesn't ever bother to try looking good. Not that any world of effort could do much for that mug of hers. Is she a burn victim, possibly?

I don't like her. I don't like her just as I didn't like Xian Xiang or Li Pao or any other of the girls you keep trying to set me up with. If you're so goddammed worried about me having some offspring, then how about you make it your business to search a little bit harder than it's taken to find the heifers you've been bringing me? How about we say a girl who doesn't look like her face was scribbled on by a three year-old epileptic? Think you can handle that?

Now if you don't mind, I'm going to try to find a spot to lay down where I haven't already shat. Good day.