As Long as There's Richard Gere Banning Going on, Count Me in, Too

BY LARRY ZBINKSY



As of today, I would like to join India in officially banning Richard Gere. Or as I like to call him, "Dick" Gere.

Richard Gere is totally a dick. I knew it wouldn't be too long before he pissed off a country bad enough to be outlawed there, seeing as how he's been pissing me off my whole life.

Whenever I meet someone, I usually won't go longer than fifteen minutes into the conversation before I ask just where my new acquaintance stands on Richard Gere. If the response is anything but a swift condemnation, then I know that's one less human being I ever need to associate myself with again.

When I was in my early twenties, I was discussing movies with my father and he told me that he liked "An Officer and a Gentleman." We haven't spoken since.

I don't hate my father. But I do hate Richard Gere. What a prick. Going around like he's some great guy or something just because he's a Buddhist. You know who's not Buddhist? Me. And you know who's a stinky piece of Buddhist crap? Richard Gere.

Have you ever seen "The Mothman Prophecies"? Or "Dr. T and the Women"? Of course you haven't. Nobody has seen those movies. "Oh, but what about 'Chicago'? Richard Gere was in that, and I really like that movie!" Say something like that around me, and you can count on getting banned just like I've banned Richard Gere.

As such, Richard Gere is forbidden from my sister's apartment, where I am keeping residency at the moment. I also ban him from Fitzpatrick's, my favorite bar here in Cleveland and where I like to spend my Friday and Saturday (and sometimes Tuesday and Wednesday) evenings. Should Richard Gere violate this ban, he will have beer poured on his stupid haircut and I will make loud comments about gerbil rumours I remember hearing about several years ago.

Go to hell, Richard Gere.