Gallagher: Aisle Seven
YOU [AS MALE]
Hi there. This is, actually, really stupid. I looked everywhere in the Pharmaceuticals, any where I could think that was part of home medicine, and I just can't find the, um, condoms. Where would they be?
GALLAGHER
Ah, prophylacticos, eh amigo? "Where would they be?" Well, if this place weren't so screwed up and it weren't so hard to find things, then they would be covering you up [Points to your groin] as we speak!
YOU
Yes, well, I haven't really been looking that long. If you could just--
GALLAGHER
Now the problem is that these stores nowadays are H-U-G-E huge. Back when I was your age and not wanting children, if I wanted a rubber there was only one place I could get it: Earl, from Walgreens. Sad thing was, didn't look like Earl there needed protection from any vaginas whatsoever! You see, we used to call Earl "Big Ears Earl." And that was one of his better features!
YOU
I'm sorry, can--
GALLAGHER
Nope. No more Big Ears Earl. Now we've got a three-story multiplex eyesore where we can't even find a pack of Trojans! Well let's see then, you've already tried looking all around Pharmaceuticals...say, maybe they're over in the produce section, hanging out with the cucumbers and bananas - like in the educational videos!
YOU
What? Why--
GALLAGHER
Nah, that ain't right. Did you already check the bakery? We might have some condoms there. Oh wait, I forgot - you're probably on Atkins! Who isn't these days?
YOU
What are you--
GALLAGHER
Try frozen foods? Maybe for when you want to freeze your DNA and get yourself one of those clones. Hell don't you wish they made some Nixon clones? Too bad he never used a frozen condom!
YOU
OK, that leap is even less logical than Atkins. Or maybe not. Do you even work here?
GALLAGHER
Say, did you say you wanted to be able to check your e-mail while you're gettin' lucky? Maybe we should check out the electronics department! You know? Hey, here's the real question: Do you have an external hard drive, or are you still workin with a three and a half inch floppy?
YOU
Now you've gone from not making any sense to blatant sexual harrassment. I'm taking my business elsewh--
GALLAGHER
Hey man, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
YOU
Please let me get by.
GALLAGHER
Hey, listen man. I'm sorry. I was just trying to make you laugh, I'm sorry. Listen, I can tell you where the condoms are. Again, I'm sorry.
YOU
Oh, now you can. Finally.
GALLAGHER
Yes I can.
YOU
Well?
GALLAGHER
Well, I'm not sure if you want them.
YOU
I'm getting really close to not...just, where are they?
GALLAGHER
[Sigh] They're over in the clearance section. But you know what the type of guy who buys condoms from the clearance section is?
YOU
No. What?
GALLAGHER
A cheap fucker.
YOU
...
GALLAGHER
...
YOU
Ha. Hahaha...
GALLAGHER
Heh heh heh!
YOU
Haha, hehe, OK, that was pretty funny. But really, do you guys hav--
GALLAGHER
[Spikes watermelon at your feet, leaving red, fleshy chunks of sticky fruit all about your shoes.]
YOU
I want to talk to your manager.
Hi there. This is, actually, really stupid. I looked everywhere in the Pharmaceuticals, any where I could think that was part of home medicine, and I just can't find the, um, condoms. Where would they be?
GALLAGHER
Ah, prophylacticos, eh amigo? "Where would they be?" Well, if this place weren't so screwed up and it weren't so hard to find things, then they would be covering you up [Points to your groin] as we speak!
YOU
Yes, well, I haven't really been looking that long. If you could just--
GALLAGHER
Now the problem is that these stores nowadays are H-U-G-E huge. Back when I was your age and not wanting children, if I wanted a rubber there was only one place I could get it: Earl, from Walgreens. Sad thing was, didn't look like Earl there needed protection from any vaginas whatsoever! You see, we used to call Earl "Big Ears Earl." And that was one of his better features!
YOU
I'm sorry, can--
GALLAGHER
Nope. No more Big Ears Earl. Now we've got a three-story multiplex eyesore where we can't even find a pack of Trojans! Well let's see then, you've already tried looking all around Pharmaceuticals...say, maybe they're over in the produce section, hanging out with the cucumbers and bananas - like in the educational videos!
YOU
What? Why--
GALLAGHER
Nah, that ain't right. Did you already check the bakery? We might have some condoms there. Oh wait, I forgot - you're probably on Atkins! Who isn't these days?
YOU
What are you--
GALLAGHER
Try frozen foods? Maybe for when you want to freeze your DNA and get yourself one of those clones. Hell don't you wish they made some Nixon clones? Too bad he never used a frozen condom!
YOU
OK, that leap is even less logical than Atkins. Or maybe not. Do you even work here?
GALLAGHER
Say, did you say you wanted to be able to check your e-mail while you're gettin' lucky? Maybe we should check out the electronics department! You know? Hey, here's the real question: Do you have an external hard drive, or are you still workin with a three and a half inch floppy?
YOU
Now you've gone from not making any sense to blatant sexual harrassment. I'm taking my business elsewh--
GALLAGHER
Hey man, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
YOU
Please let me get by.
GALLAGHER
Hey, listen man. I'm sorry. I was just trying to make you laugh, I'm sorry. Listen, I can tell you where the condoms are. Again, I'm sorry.
YOU
Oh, now you can. Finally.
GALLAGHER
Yes I can.
YOU
Well?
GALLAGHER
Well, I'm not sure if you want them.
YOU
I'm getting really close to not...just, where are they?
GALLAGHER
[Sigh] They're over in the clearance section. But you know what the type of guy who buys condoms from the clearance section is?
YOU
No. What?
GALLAGHER
A cheap fucker.
YOU
...
GALLAGHER
...
YOU
Ha. Hahaha...
GALLAGHER
Heh heh heh!
YOU
Haha, hehe, OK, that was pretty funny. But really, do you guys hav--
GALLAGHER
[Spikes watermelon at your feet, leaving red, fleshy chunks of sticky fruit all about your shoes.]
YOU
I want to talk to your manager.
