Things I Think I Overhear From Old Austrian Men Playing Chess in the Park
(Note: Oh no! My computer is broken. Posts will be infrequent, but hopefully pick up again when I return to the United States for the summer - June 17th. Also, be on the lookout for a certain new blog featuring a certain feature actor from the films "Tremors" and "Hollow Man" and a certain breakfast meat.)
--You played an excellent match. You are as brilliant as the President Bush.
--I deserve no such praise. No one is as smart as smart as he.
--Or as handsome.
--I will paint a picture of him.
--Let me give you money for it.
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--Why aren't you wearing lederhosen today?
--I do not always wear lederhosen.
--But you are Austrian.
--As are you.
--I plan to wear lederhosen later.
--Stereotypes are not funny.
--No, they are not.
--Schnitzel?
--Absolutely.
--I do not always wear lederhosen.
--But you are Austrian.
--As are you.
--I plan to wear lederhosen later.
--Stereotypes are not funny.
--No, they are not.
--Schnitzel?
--Absolutely.
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--I've taken your rook.
--No, you've taken my heart.
--If you truly love me, stretch your arms and then rub your soiled back brace.
--...
--My soul dances with solemn respectfulness.
--No, you've taken my heart.
--If you truly love me, stretch your arms and then rub your soiled back brace.
--...
--My soul dances with solemn respectfulness.
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--You are in checkmate. I experience a feeling analogous to orgasm brought on by a beautiful woman.
--I imagine sex with your wife, then, is analagous to winning the Special Olympics.
--Funny. Isn't the Special Olympics where you met your wife?
--I invite you to watch "The Sound of Music" with me in my mansion.
--I thought you'd never ask.
--I imagine sex with your wife, then, is analagous to winning the Special Olympics.
--Funny. Isn't the Special Olympics where you met your wife?
--I invite you to watch "The Sound of Music" with me in my mansion.
--I thought you'd never ask.
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--What do you like best about being old?
--The diapers.
--The diapers?
--I finally have something to transport sauerkraut across county lines.
--I knew I smelled something.
--Quiet. Big Brother.
--The diapers.
--The diapers?
--I finally have something to transport sauerkraut across county lines.
--I knew I smelled something.
--Quiet. Big Brother.
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--Careful bringing your queen out.
--I envision you regularly warning your son with those very words.
--I do not understand.
--Your progeny lusts for cross-dressers.
--I envision you regularly warning your son with those very words.
--I do not understand.
--Your progeny lusts for cross-dressers.
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--Who is that young one, writing in his diary?
--I do not know.
--How is he so beautiful?
--He may very well be a son of George Bush.
--Were I more worthy, I would ask to wash his feet.
--I do not know.
--How is he so beautiful?
--He may very well be a son of George Bush.
--Were I more worthy, I would ask to wash his feet.
1 comment:
"Fantastic! A rollicking romp that is wickedly, ridiculously funny."
"Reads like David Sedaris writing 'The Hotel New Hampshire.'"
"A hilarious and horrifying memoir."
"What's tasty, good for you you, and only takes about sixty seconds to make? Oatmeal. And it's making the Yeerks a little more than crazy. Now Rachel, the other Animorphs, and Ax have a new weapon against the Yeerks. Sounds good, right?"
(I feel these excerpts, taken from the backs of the books I had at hand, appropriately express my adulation.)
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