Scorsese to Co-Workers, Family, and Friends: "If You Thought I Was an Unbearable Prick Before, You've Seen Nothing Yet."

Just a day after his dual Oscar victory, Martin Scorsese announced at a press conference in Los Angeles that everyone he knows can look forward to him "finally showing just how serious an asshole [he] can be."

"I know what you were all hoping for," Scorsese began, "'Well maybe with the Oscars, Marty won't be so wound up. And maybe he'll be a little more pleasant to be around.'" Scorsese laughed. "Less wound up? Probably. But more pleasant to be around? Ha!" Scorsese then placed his two Oscars on the podium so they were visible to the audience.

"See these bad boys? You are now looking at the multi-Academy Award winning director, Martin Scorsese."

"Mr. Martin Scorsese," he corrected.

"So let's get one thing straight," Scorsese continued, "I've hit the peak, baby. I'm Hollywood gold. And from here on out, I'm doing whatever the hell I damn well please. If you thought I was an unbearable prick before, you've seen nothing yet." At this point, Scorsese lowered his head to his Oscar for Best Film and began to nod silently. Scorsese then raised his head and said, "Oscar Two says you can all lick my sack."

Scorsese asked if the reporters there had any questions. After momentarily scanning the field, Scorsese raised his finger and said, "Oh yeah, that's right: I'm Martin Fucking Scorsese, Film God. You plebs should go find someone within your plane of existence to talk to." With this, Scorsese grabbed both Oscars and subsequently kicked over the podium. Scorsese turned to leave, but then faced the audience once again to make a sexually obscene gesture with both Oscar statues simultaneously.

Upon leaving the premises, Scorsese was spotted walking in the middle of a very busy Palms Boulevard, thereby bringing traffic to a halt. Onlookers report having heard Scorsese saying, "You stop and you look at my Oscars! Look at me! And look at my Oscars! Look, you unworthy swine, look!"

Sources close to Scorsese have not reacted strongly to the press conference or Scorsese's antics. When questioned by reporters, his wife Helen commented, "What, the podium kicking and the swearing? Marty's always been doing that. Same with the wandering out in traffic thing. Did he call passers by 'swine'? Yeah, that sounds about right. He's done the same thing after every year that he's lost. I guess this is just the first time you guys have stuck around him long enough to notice."

Scorsese himself has not been available for comment since the press conference, but his agent has announced Scorsese's next project - a sequel to the 1995 box-office flop Bio-Dome. According to Scorsese's agent, the working title for the film is Bio-Dome 2: Academy Award-Winning Director Martin Scorsese Directs What He Wants and Directs Fucking Gold.

This is What Happens When You Send Your Child to the Paul Shaffer School of Music

At Dinner

Your children and your spouse are sitting at the table. The dinner you've made, steak strips with potato wedges and asparagus, has taken you an hour and twenty minutes to prepare. You emerge from the kitchen with the tray of steak, whereupon your oldest son shoots up from the table and to the console piano in the front room. Before the tray reaches the table, your son is playing simple chords on the piano and singing, "Steak strips, steak strips! Get yourself one of those hot hot hot steak....striiiiips!" You try to smile and then head back to the kitchen for the rest of the food. Your son is still on his way back to the table when he sees you reemerge from the kitchen. At this, he turns quickly back to the piano and sings the "Taters and asparagus, riding the bus...all the way to those taters and aspara-GUUUUS!" This time you do not try to smile. Instead you return to the kitchen once more, where you spot your knife rack.

Now you smile.

Driving Your Child to School

The radio, you tell your daughter, is broken. This is not true, but it will prevent your daughter from making up new lyrics over songs you are fond of in their original version. Unphased, she invents jingles for stop signs, pedestrians, and the act of making a left turn. Her song about honking gets especially irksome when she insists on actually honking the horn in order "to capture the real essence of what the song 'Honky Tonk Honk Town' is all about." She gets testy when you question if songs like "Honky Tonk Honk Town," or "Hang me a (One, Two, Three, Four) Louie Louie Louie!" have essences in the first place. Agitated, she angrily begins, "Mom's great for a lot of things - but doesn't know squat about music YEAHHH!"

You finally reach school and your daughter hops out. Watching her run up to the school steps, you wonder how little it would cost to contract one of the other students into pushing her down at recess today.

At Night

"Havin the sex, havin the sex...mom and dad think I can't hear them having sehhhhhx, YEAH!"

(With Casio Keyboard accompaniment.)

Attending Your Child's Music Recital at School

You are encouraged that your daughter is turning over a new musical leaf by joining the music section of the high school's performance of Fiddler on the Roof. When the curtain goes up, you are apparently not the only one surprised when your daughter is heard playing an up-tempo rocker and singing, "Jew on a roof, kind of aloof. Baby you got a Jew, on that roooooooof. Yeah!" Although she's not wearing a microphone, you can hear your daughter trying to convince the actors and the other musicians to "just go with it", and that Jerry Bock's original composition is "something Paul Shaffer could've written in his sleep if Paul Shaffer was sleeping in an idiot chamber...[screw] Jerry Bock."

You have already left the theater by the time your daughter begs Tevye to "go with that Top Ten list [they] talked about earlier".

Sending a Care Package of Worms to Paul Shaffer

It's funny: Six months ago you never would have guessed you'd ever send someone a care package of worms.

This Whole "Attempted Kidnapping/Murder" Thing Is All Just One Great Big Misunderstanding

Thank you, Mr. Lykkebak, I'll be happy to explain this whole silly misunderstanding to the court, to Judge Irkohan, and most importantly to Colleen, who by now must have just the worst impression of me.

Now the prosecution has been trying to convince everybody that my actions as well as some of the items in my car incriminate me for conspiring to kidnap and murder my dear, good friend, Colleen Shipman.

The first thing these fast-talking prosecutors questioned was my "apparently obsessive" manner in driving from Houston to Orlando. They found it weird that I would "make such a long drive at such a quick pace", and suspicious that I was so "hell bent on catching Colleen at the airport that [I] was wearing an adult diaper so [I] wouldn't have to make any stops." First thing's first, I wasn't wearing an adult diaper - I was wearing a space diaper. I'm an astronaut. Would anybody here be surprised to see a plumber wearing a tool belt? I will admit that I was obsessed to make it to Orlando to catch Colleen, but not so I could do her any harm. Quite the contrary, I rushed because I didn't know how long she planned on being in the Sunshine State, and I didn't want to miss an opportunity to cook her up some Flamingo Burgers.

The rushing paid off, because sure enough I found Colleen at the airport. (For a crazy maniac, I sure timed that up well, huh?) Colleen must not have recognized me in my trench coat, fedora, and dark sunglasses - which, I obviously wear a) to avoid being rushed by swarms of NASA fans and b) to keep my skin protected from the ruthless Orlando sun - because she didn't say hello when she saw me emerge from behind a pickup truck in the airport parking garage.

By the time I caught up with Colleen (And boy, was she moving quick - maybe she was on her way to kidnap and murder somebody, if that's such a tell-tale sign), she was already in her car and starting up her engine. I started to worry that she'd miss out on the picnic I had planned for us, so I screamed, "Colleen, you lovely girl, you're going to be missing out on caviar!" Colleen mistakenly heard, "Colleen, you slutty whore, you're going to be fished out a reservoir ." When she said, "I'll open the window a crack, but you're scaring me," I thought she was saying, "Please let me sample that pepper spray, which I'm betting would go great on a Flamingo Burger." And that's when I accidentally shot pepper spray in her eyes.

That's the last I saw of Colleen, because after I missed getting pepper spray in her mouth, she sped off and left me behind. I was hoping that if she saw me in her rearview mirror, running after her and holding up the hunting knife we would use to prepare our Flamingo patties, then perhaps she'd consider reversing and sharing a meal with me. In all the confusion, she must've interpreted my gesture as saying, "I would stab you with this knife if I could run as fast as your car's going."

Since Colleen didn't stick around, I didn't have much use for the BB gun I brought that I planned to use for hunting Flamingo - not for threatening Colleen with. I also never had a chance to use my steel mallet to tenderize the Flamingo cuts (and not to bludgeon a rubber tube bound Colleen with). And while the prosecution would have you believe that I brought large, plastic garbage bags in order to stash away Colleen's hacked up body, I wonder why they didn't stop to think I'd want a bag for refuse leftover from our picnic and a bag for Flamingo Burger leftovers that Colleen could enjoy later. Honestly, some people's imaginations are downright sickening.

The prosecution is also making a pretty big deal about the journal the police found in the back seat of my car under a pile of used space diapers, in which I'd written an entry titled "How I'm Going to Kidnap and Murder Colleen Shipman." I could see how that might look suspicious, except it's not a journal entry at all - it's a Madlib. "Kidnap" and "murder" are just random verbs I picked; and when the Madlib called for "Name of a Close Friend," well Colleen just fit the bill. Since when is there a law against playing Madlibs? Or using words like "knife", "forest preserve", and "disposal of garbage bags filled with carcass chunks" in said Madlib?

Kidnapping? Murder? It was all just a big misunderstanding. The only crime I'd planned to commit was Flamingo homicide, which up until today, I didn't even know was a felony.