This Whole "Attempted Kidnapping/Murder" Thing Is All Just One Great Big Misunderstanding

Thank you, Mr. Lykkebak, I'll be happy to explain this whole silly misunderstanding to the court, to Judge Irkohan, and most importantly to Colleen, who by now must have just the worst impression of me.

Now the prosecution has been trying to convince everybody that my actions as well as some of the items in my car incriminate me for conspiring to kidnap and murder my dear, good friend, Colleen Shipman.

The first thing these fast-talking prosecutors questioned was my "apparently obsessive" manner in driving from Houston to Orlando. They found it weird that I would "make such a long drive at such a quick pace", and suspicious that I was so "hell bent on catching Colleen at the airport that [I] was wearing an adult diaper so [I] wouldn't have to make any stops." First thing's first, I wasn't wearing an adult diaper - I was wearing a space diaper. I'm an astronaut. Would anybody here be surprised to see a plumber wearing a tool belt? I will admit that I was obsessed to make it to Orlando to catch Colleen, but not so I could do her any harm. Quite the contrary, I rushed because I didn't know how long she planned on being in the Sunshine State, and I didn't want to miss an opportunity to cook her up some Flamingo Burgers.

The rushing paid off, because sure enough I found Colleen at the airport. (For a crazy maniac, I sure timed that up well, huh?) Colleen must not have recognized me in my trench coat, fedora, and dark sunglasses - which, I obviously wear a) to avoid being rushed by swarms of NASA fans and b) to keep my skin protected from the ruthless Orlando sun - because she didn't say hello when she saw me emerge from behind a pickup truck in the airport parking garage.

By the time I caught up with Colleen (And boy, was she moving quick - maybe she was on her way to kidnap and murder somebody, if that's such a tell-tale sign), she was already in her car and starting up her engine. I started to worry that she'd miss out on the picnic I had planned for us, so I screamed, "Colleen, you lovely girl, you're going to be missing out on caviar!" Colleen mistakenly heard, "Colleen, you slutty whore, you're going to be fished out a reservoir ." When she said, "I'll open the window a crack, but you're scaring me," I thought she was saying, "Please let me sample that pepper spray, which I'm betting would go great on a Flamingo Burger." And that's when I accidentally shot pepper spray in her eyes.

That's the last I saw of Colleen, because after I missed getting pepper spray in her mouth, she sped off and left me behind. I was hoping that if she saw me in her rearview mirror, running after her and holding up the hunting knife we would use to prepare our Flamingo patties, then perhaps she'd consider reversing and sharing a meal with me. In all the confusion, she must've interpreted my gesture as saying, "I would stab you with this knife if I could run as fast as your car's going."

Since Colleen didn't stick around, I didn't have much use for the BB gun I brought that I planned to use for hunting Flamingo - not for threatening Colleen with. I also never had a chance to use my steel mallet to tenderize the Flamingo cuts (and not to bludgeon a rubber tube bound Colleen with). And while the prosecution would have you believe that I brought large, plastic garbage bags in order to stash away Colleen's hacked up body, I wonder why they didn't stop to think I'd want a bag for refuse leftover from our picnic and a bag for Flamingo Burger leftovers that Colleen could enjoy later. Honestly, some people's imaginations are downright sickening.

The prosecution is also making a pretty big deal about the journal the police found in the back seat of my car under a pile of used space diapers, in which I'd written an entry titled "How I'm Going to Kidnap and Murder Colleen Shipman." I could see how that might look suspicious, except it's not a journal entry at all - it's a Madlib. "Kidnap" and "murder" are just random verbs I picked; and when the Madlib called for "Name of a Close Friend," well Colleen just fit the bill. Since when is there a law against playing Madlibs? Or using words like "knife", "forest preserve", and "disposal of garbage bags filled with carcass chunks" in said Madlib?

Kidnapping? Murder? It was all just a big misunderstanding. The only crime I'd planned to commit was Flamingo homicide, which up until today, I didn't even know was a felony.