Scorsese to Co-Workers, Family, and Friends: "If You Thought I Was an Unbearable Prick Before, You've Seen Nothing Yet."

Just a day after his dual Oscar victory, Martin Scorsese announced at a press conference in Los Angeles that everyone he knows can look forward to him "finally showing just how serious an asshole [he] can be."

"I know what you were all hoping for," Scorsese began, "'Well maybe with the Oscars, Marty won't be so wound up. And maybe he'll be a little more pleasant to be around.'" Scorsese laughed. "Less wound up? Probably. But more pleasant to be around? Ha!" Scorsese then placed his two Oscars on the podium so they were visible to the audience.

"See these bad boys? You are now looking at the multi-Academy Award winning director, Martin Scorsese."

"Mr. Martin Scorsese," he corrected.

"So let's get one thing straight," Scorsese continued, "I've hit the peak, baby. I'm Hollywood gold. And from here on out, I'm doing whatever the hell I damn well please. If you thought I was an unbearable prick before, you've seen nothing yet." At this point, Scorsese lowered his head to his Oscar for Best Film and began to nod silently. Scorsese then raised his head and said, "Oscar Two says you can all lick my sack."

Scorsese asked if the reporters there had any questions. After momentarily scanning the field, Scorsese raised his finger and said, "Oh yeah, that's right: I'm Martin Fucking Scorsese, Film God. You plebs should go find someone within your plane of existence to talk to." With this, Scorsese grabbed both Oscars and subsequently kicked over the podium. Scorsese turned to leave, but then faced the audience once again to make a sexually obscene gesture with both Oscar statues simultaneously.

Upon leaving the premises, Scorsese was spotted walking in the middle of a very busy Palms Boulevard, thereby bringing traffic to a halt. Onlookers report having heard Scorsese saying, "You stop and you look at my Oscars! Look at me! And look at my Oscars! Look, you unworthy swine, look!"

Sources close to Scorsese have not reacted strongly to the press conference or Scorsese's antics. When questioned by reporters, his wife Helen commented, "What, the podium kicking and the swearing? Marty's always been doing that. Same with the wandering out in traffic thing. Did he call passers by 'swine'? Yeah, that sounds about right. He's done the same thing after every year that he's lost. I guess this is just the first time you guys have stuck around him long enough to notice."

Scorsese himself has not been available for comment since the press conference, but his agent has announced Scorsese's next project - a sequel to the 1995 box-office flop Bio-Dome. According to Scorsese's agent, the working title for the film is Bio-Dome 2: Academy Award-Winning Director Martin Scorsese Directs What He Wants and Directs Fucking Gold.