Reviews of Movies I Know By Title Only

Munich

If for some unthinkable reason you have it in your mind to see Beerfest, first of all, you know that your lobotomy operation was a rousing success. Secondly, you should know that the makers of Munich already made a movie about Oktoberfest hijinks, and that they did it best.

You might be the movie goer who from time to time inexplicably feels in the mood to see a movie with the bluest humor, and maybe somewhat lacking in the substance department. (If you are, then you and I have something in common.) Munich is full of beer chugging, fart jokes, sexcapades, and lederhosen. And if you've got a sensibility for cheap one-liners and a lot of physical humor, then you'll be begging for more beers, farts, tits, and traditional German garb.

If you don't mind being seen watching a movie that's unabashedly directed at frat boys, then pull yourself up a stool and help yourself to a foamy liter of Munich. You're bound to be drunk with laughter by the end.

28 Days Later

Hollywood seems to still be a long way off of getting over its agonizing habit of making sequels to movies that don't deserve an extension of any sort. The newest sequel stinker? Sandra Bullock's return as Gwen Cummings in the aggravatingly unnecessary 28 Days Later. Apparently Gwen didn't take long to forget all the life lessons she learned from her first twenty-eight days in rehab - she's back and drunker than ever.Twenty-eight days after the end of the original, Cummings - in what can only be described as an obvious ploy by the producers to draw from new demographics - undergoes some unexplained, alcohol withdrawl (maybe) breakdown, which leads her to murder a truck driver with a fork and steal his Budweiser semi.

Obvious product placement critiques aside, what's truly upsetting is the way the film trivializes drunkeness and driving under the influence in what's presented as Cummings' twenty-eight day long (Please) drunken roadtrip across America. Along the way, Bullock's character continues to drink and drink, yet the tone of the film gets lighter and lighter. (When a drunken Cummings' somehow foils a small-town bank robbery, all she asks for as a reward is, "Hic! Smum more beer. Hic!")

Twenty-eight days after seeing this gem and you'll still be wishing you had those 93 minutes back.

The Importance of Being Earnest

Every few years or so, a documentary emerges that shifts the cultural paradigm. This year, we are treated to The Importance of Being Earnest, a documentary that recalls and celebrates Jim Varney's portrayal of Earnest from 1986 to 1998. The documentary crew show how Jim Varney's creation (Whose name I thought was always spelled "Ernest". Oh well.) posseses a range of human emotion and subtle genius that most critics and film goers ignored from such pieces as Earnest Goes to Splash Mountain and Earnest Scared Stupid.

The filmmakers go on to argue that without Varney's Earnest, cultural staples such as The Simpsons, Harry Potter, and Radiohead, wouldn't have had the necessary creative inspiration to reach the status they and many other artworks and artists enjoyed since Earnest's debut. In fact, as the documentary points out, the decline of the movie and music industries and 9/11 all took place after Varney's passing in the year 2000. Truly, after this two hour documentary, you will understand the importance of being Earnest.

Boxing Helena

Filmed over ten years before Million Dollar Baby, Boxing Helena set the standard for female boxer movies. From the movie's openning bell, the film's intensity is as high as a Mike Tyson fight. Helena's opponents - both in and out of the ring - seem to make up a never-ending procession, yet the charismatic only child of a single mother keeps fighting. Helena finds that her street smart savvy helps her in the ring, but will her tough exterior prevent her from openning up her heart to a man who loves her? By a split decision, this movie reviewer decides it's best that you see for yourself.

Boxing Helena not only goes the distance - it proves to be a total knockout.

Mel Gibson's "Apocalypto"

Gratuitus violence. Um, probably a rousing speech. Then some more violence. And by the end, you wonder if the movie had any point to it besides getting as close as it can to snuff status without getting the film-makers in jail.