You Expect Me to have Sex with THAT?

(Note: How was I to know that The Onion was doing a Panda gag at the same time I was doing this? Theirs is funnier, although I didn't see it until I already finished this. So I didn't copy. But theirs is still funnier.)



by Hank Panda



Ugh! Yuck! That's...that's disgusting! How can you even say something that...I mean...have you no decency, sir? How am I supposed to...I'm not sure where even to...

You expect me to have sex with THAT?

Let me make sure we're on the same page: You're telling me to go have sex with black and white bear over there with the black rings around her eyes?

You're kidding, right?

First of all, I don't appreciate you barging into my pen while I'm in the middle of dinner without so much as knocking. I may not own this pen, but for as long as I'm in it, I expect a certain level of civility.

And second, speaking of being civil, please don't bring up unsavory topics of conversation while I'm trying to eat. Topics such as, well, I don't know...me having sex with 220 pounds of fugly.

I'm not sure, really, who you think you're talking to. I, sir, have got it going on. Check out my huge panda arms and my powerful panda legs. Look with envy upon my round, full belly and admire my black/white, black/white color scheme. Go ahead: Just try telling me I'm not beautiful. Let's see if you can say otherwise straight to my beautiful, beautiful face. Come on, we don't have all day. Ha, just as I thought.

Now let's look at the "date" you have planned for me:


Would you excuse me for a second? I have bamboo to puke up all over myself.

I mean, fuck! Look at how chunky she is. And her coat of fur? It's like she doesn't ever bother to try looking good. Not that any world of effort could do much for that mug of hers. Is she a burn victim, possibly?

I don't like her. I don't like her just as I didn't like Xian Xiang or Li Pao or any other of the girls you keep trying to set me up with. If you're so goddammed worried about me having some offspring, then how about you make it your business to search a little bit harder than it's taken to find the heifers you've been bringing me? How about we say a girl who doesn't look like her face was scribbled on by a three year-old epileptic? Think you can handle that?

Now if you don't mind, I'm going to try to find a spot to lay down where I haven't already shat. Good day.