We Probably Should Have Noticed Lynne Cheney's Writing Style Sooner

Excerpt from When Washington Crossed the Delaware: A Wintertime Story for Young Patriots

The night was dark and the river was cold, but General Washington and his men carried on. They had lost twice to the British in New York. They marched for days and days with too many holes in their clothes and not enough food in their stomachs. Yet somehow, these soldiers followed Washington for yet another battle with the British.

What was it that kept these men going? Maybe it was an alleigance to General Washington. Maybe it was survival instinct. Or maybe it was something closer to heart: the thought of their wives back home left to fend for themselves. These men must have felt reinvigorated when they imagined their wives huddling with other soldiers' wives, embracing one another tightly and calling out the names of their warbound husbands. Perhaps many of their wives were consoling each other at the same time. The men could only imagine how late these grieving sessions lasted - for all they knew, their wives would be up all night helping each other cope with the absence of their husbands.

Excerpt from the "Thank You" section of America: A Patriotic Primer

I would also like to thank a woman whom I have had the pleasure of getting to know professionally and personally over the last five years: Laura Bush. Laura, when I look at you, I see everything that a First Lady should be. You're not content with just being the President's attractive wife – you involve yourself in the political scene, and this country is better off for it. So much of this country's future rests upon your strong, taut shoulders, but on the power of your long, firm legs you carry our nation forward. Under your naturally highlighted hair rests one of the sharpest political minds we have today, and just behind your clavicle beats a heart brimming with compassion and pure, pure love. Thank you for encouraging me with this book; thank you for always knowing how to make me smile; thank you, thank you, thank you for being you.

Special thanks also to my husband!

Excerpt from Our 50 States: A Family Adventure Across America

Historic and gorgeous Providence is a must see for any family visiting Rhode Island.

For the kids: Like ice cream? If so, you're in for a real treat at Jessie's Dessert Bar, where you'll find some of the best ice cream in the country! And when your parents are making rounds at the museums, make a visit to the Westminster Arcade – the country's oldest (and still the hippest) mall.

For the parents: Providence offers much in the way of museums, including the famous Providence Bridge Museum where you can find everything you've ever wanted to know about load-bearing cables and…OK, kids gone yet? Parents, listen to me carefully: unless you want your kids to catch the gay, keep them in the car when you get to Providence. It is the gayest place in the world. You're just going to have to trust me on this one. I have a girlfriend – that is, a grownup woman who is my friend – who took a family vacation there, and sure enough, one of her daughters ended up gay. Poor little thing didn't have a chance. How could she when the family tries to enjoy a relaxing walk in the park, only to come across two college-aged girls tasting each other's kiss (possibly for the first time) in broad daylight for everyone to see? What thoughts went through that poor young girl's mind when she observed the taller of the two lesbians wrap her arms around her partner and pull her in to enjoy the closeness of their breasts? Could my grownup woman friend's daughter have possibly understood what was going on that sweltering July day when both blonde girls began kissing with their tongues – slowly, heavy with breath, and eyes shut?

Tread carefully. Do go to Jessie's Dessert Bar, though. I wasn't kidding about that ice cream.

The First Ten Days in Europe

DAY ONE – ARRIVAL IN VIENNA

Whew…I made it to Europe! Took 22 years (including a ten-hour flight from Chicago to Vienna), but I'm finally here. And boy, are things off to a good start: Vienna is gorgeous, Austrians are friendly, and my grumbling stomach has just been satisfied by probably the tastiest lasagna I've ever had. (Besides yours, Mom!) Thank goodness I found that quaint Italian eatery when I did.

How do I feel on my first night in Europe? Well, I guess you could say I feel a lot like that lasagna I was just talking about. Lasagna is a mix of pasta, cheese, spinach, meat, onions, tomato sauce, cottage cheese, and garlic. Right now, I'm a mix of excitement, awe, anxiousness, isolation, exhilaration, wonder, trepidation, and loneliness. You can't have a lasagna without pasta, cheese, spinach, meat, onions, tomato sauce, cottage cheese, and garlic, and you can't be an American arriving in Europe for the first time ever without feeling excitement, awe, anxiousness, isolation, exhilaration, wonder, trepidation, and loneliness.

Today marks the start of a nine-month journey. Throughout this journey, I'm certain I'll experience more excitement, awe, anxiousness, isolation, exhilaration, wonder, trepidation, and loneliness – each to varying degrees and at different times. But just as I greedily inhaled the lasagna earlier tonight, so do I resolve to consume every morsel of the metaphoric pasta, cheese, spinach, meat, onions, tomato sauce, cottage cheese, and garlic that comes my way in the next nine months.

DAY FIVE – SOMEWHERE BETWEEN SALZBURG AND MUNICH

Looking out the train window, this lifelong Chicago boy gets a special treat: mountains. Not just any mountain either. It's the Alps. Chicago skyscrapers are great, but it's something else to see this long row of mountain peaks crammed together like helpings of rocky lasagna.

Not bad scenery for the trip to my first ever Oktoberfest!

DAY FIVE – MUNICH

Lederhosen, lederhosen, lederhosen: everybody's wearing lederhosen. (Except of course for the Fraulines, who are looking pretty good in their dimdis.) All the Germans are jolly, despite that fact it's a cloudy day. Well, not exactly "cloudy". In Germany, when the sky is blue, it is entirely blue – literally, not a cloud in the sky. But when the sky turns grey like it is today, it's all grey – good luck trying to find even a hint of blue. It's as though God is spreading a giant sheet of aluminum foil over a tray of leftover lasagna, in hopes of sealing in its freshness so that it may be enjoyed on another night. (Or possibly for a future lunch if there is not enough for another whole meal.)

Needless to say, I look forward to going to the festival later tonight. I have never been in a beer tent or a lasagna tent before. Can't wait for either.

DAY TEN – MUNICH

Oktoberfest has been a blast, but I had an embarrassing moment at lunch today. When I was ready for the bill, I called out to the waiter and said, "Zählen, bitte." What I should have said was "Zahlen, bitte," because instead of asking him if I could pay, I asked him to count for me. And he did! "Eins, zwei, drei, vier," he said, "ja, ich kann zählen!"

How embarrassing. This has been happening a lot, all because my German at the moment is not very good. Every once in a while when I speak, it is as if a stream of golden lasagna flows from my mouth. But for as often as that happens, there'll be nine other times when I open my mouth and nothing comes out but globs of lasagna.

Also, today is my last day in Munich – work starts next week. After all, life can't be all games and lasagna – somebody's gotta put lasagna on the table.

Please do throw your hands up!

As you would Jay-Z, please "allow me to re-introduce myself":

My name is Mathias
(Mathias!)
J. to the [LAST NAME DELETED FOR PRIVACY].
And you will find
Reading this blog is crucial!

Truth be told, I am not actually a professional rapper. But much like Jigger, I have the "hottest chick in the game wearing my chain":


That is Angie, my lover, and Frank, her ex-husband. I took this picture when the three of us were out window-shopping in Kenosha this past summer. The three of us hang out sometimes. Sometimes just the two of them hang out - I do not mind. Well, actually Angie pointed out to me that it's not my place to mind, because the two of us are on "heyatus" at the moment. Technically then, I don't have "the hottest chick in the game wearing my chain." Instead, "the hottest chick in the game [was] wearing my chain." Maybe one day, the "hottest chick in the game [will be] wearing my chain [once again]."

While Angie and Frank are splitting rent in an apartment in Milwaukee (I do not mind), I am halfway around the world in Austria. I live in a small city/big town called Klagenfurt, where I teach English and American culture to high school kids. The students and the teachers in these schools are friendly, even if they do talk funny.

Work is less than intense, so I've decided to use some of my free time to do some writing. This blog exists so that I can have somewhere to relay stories of being a teacher and of being abroad. This blog also exists to write about things that have absolutely nothing to do with Austria. Or teaching. Or good taste.

In general, this blog exists to entertain - not to whine about crummy weather or an irksome boss. Admittedly, it is possible that this blog also exists in order to impress Angie and ultimately win her back. But I'm not quite certain whether she and Frank have internet in their new apartment yet.