I've Noticed an Attitude Shift in my Ten Year-old Daugther Since Telling Her Santa isn't Real

Around other kids in the neighborhood:

Okay, I'll play House with you guys. I'll be an attorney from New York in her early 30s, but I don't want any kids. Aside from lying to me for my whole life, the cruelest thing my parents ever did to me was bringing me into this world in the first place. So no kids for me. Sam, you can play my husband, but don't think into this designation too much. It's solely for the sake of the game. Maybe there was a time when I could have loved you Sam, a time when I truly would have loved you with my whole heart. But that was a different me, when my heart still had some warmth. There is no love in this life.

Who wants to be Sam and my neighbors?


Around her younger siblings:

John, you've really got to stop whining about going to Grandma's. Going to Grandma's isn't the most exciting way to spend an afternoon - OK, not only do we all know that, but you know what else? We all agree with you. But when Mom says, "It's really important that we go," she's really saying, "Grandma's going to die soon and I want us to see her while we still can." Grandma's not getting any younger, John, and neither is mother. Grandma getting so close to death - and Mom, stop me on this if I'm off at all - Grandma getting so close to death is not only going to be a great loss for Mom, but a harsh reminder of her own mortality. We're all going to die, John. And in this wretched world, we all die alone. There is no hope. There is no rescue. Anything you ever thought was good in this life is an illusion. The only thing you can rely on being certain is that one day you will be consumed by the inescapable void of non-existence.

Oh, did I make you cry? Maybe you'll feel better when "Santa Claus" delivers your Legos to you next week. Simpleton.


Around me:

Father, I know you're in the middle of enjoying this episode of CSI: New York, a show that really sums up how lofty your aesthetic sensibilities are, but it has been 38 minutes since you promised me that you would help me with my history report. Is that another thing you've chosen to lie to me about? Can I trust anything you tell me ever again? Well, maybe I'm being a little too hard on you. After all, this is Gary Sinese we're talking about here. Why wouldn't a shitty show with a washed up actor be more important to you than you're own daughter? I know why: you're a terrible father.


Around her basketball coach:

So let me get this straight: all we need to be champions is practice, hustle, and determination? Gee, that sounds simple. Is that the same winning formula you followed to become the fifth grade girls basketball coach that you are today? Don't lie to these girls, Coach. We're average at best. The last thing they need is someone lying to them and allowing them to believe in dreams. The longer they believe in dreams, the more crushed they'll be when they learn that no one ever gets what they want in life.

Unless, of course, it's always been your dream to be a fifth grade girls coach. In which case, I feel so bad for you that I hope you die in your sleep tonight.


50 feet away from the mall Santa:

WHAT'S YOUR DEAL? CAN'T GET OFF LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING? GOTTA GET YOUR JOLLIES LIKE THIS? BURN IN HELL! BURN IN HELL!