I'm Going to Have to Start Charging You for our Sexual Relations

Hey baby. So, as you already know, I'm runnin' pretty low on cash these days, and now things have taken another bad turn. Mr. Jerkinks - oh I mean "Jenkins" - fired me from Cactus Outlet. Stupid old shit. Maybe he could have explained to me before he fired me that I was supposed to water the cactuses. Don't cactuses usually live in the desert? I don't see why it's my fault that he never told me that he got pussy, water-needing cactuses.

Anyways, the point is that I'm strapped for cash babe. Now you know how much I care about you - how much I care about us. And I want there to always be an "us." So I've thought it over, and I think in order for me to be able to afford going out with you, I'm going to have to start charging you for our sexual relations.

Think about it, baby: I'd be able to pay my bills, afford rent, and have the means to treat you like the princess you are. And you get to keep having sex with me.

The thing is, if I don't have some kind of revenue, I fear our relationship could suffer. Gas ain't cheap these days, and my mom's '91 Caravan just guzzles that shit. Without a job, I can't afford gas. Without gas, in order to get to your apartment I'd have to catch the Blue Seven busline, which would not only take an extra fifteen minutes to get to your neighborhood, but wouldn't get me any closer than FIVE blocks from your apartment. All said, this adds another 25-30 minutes going to your apartment, and then ANOTHER 25-30 minutes going back! At this stage in our lives, baby, do we really want a long distance relationship?

What about the future? Are we ever going to be able to afford that red-brick house with the white-pickett fence if you're the only one earning money? Think about it.

I'm pretty sure I've demonstrated in the past that I'm regularly willing to supply "product" (i.e., having sex with you). And as my beautiful, lovely, girlfriend, you are entitled to top-notch customer service. I have three guarantees to ensure maximum customer satisfaction:

Sex Guarantee #1: Great rates. Other men who charge women for sex will charge $100, maybe even $150 for a night of sex. $150?!? Not for my baby. You get to have sex with me for merely $50 a night. But wait! I'm also offering a special daytime rate of $15 for any sex between 8AM and 8PM. Still not good enough? How about this: for every five times you have sex with me, you earn thirty minutes of sex with me - free of charge.

Sex Guarantee #2: "The customer is always right." You want me to perform oral sex on you (or if you want to perform it on me), consider it done. Making love to you in your rear? You got it. Want to invite one of your girlfriends over so both of you can have your way with me? She gets in for HALF price. Whatever it is you want*, you get.

*No queer stuff with other dudes - company policy.

Sex Guarantee #3: As the old saying goes, the customer always comes first. (I promise, I'll try real hard to make that more of a habit in the future.)

Operators are standing by. (I told my roommate, Rodney, about the idea, so he can help you reach me when you want to have sex with me.) Call within the next ten minutes, and save half-off on post-sex snuggling charges.