New Year's Resolutions

1. Quit smoking.

Granted, not the most original New Year's resolution, but pertinent nonetheless. It's just a drain on my wallet, and I think it's beginning to alienate me from my non-smoking friends. Good cue that it's time to quit.


2. Take up jogging

No cigarettes is a good start, but jogging on top of that is exactly what my body needs. And, admittedly, I'm not just doing it for my own health's sake - I wouldn't mind looking a little sexier around the ladies. Seeing as how I haven't had a date in months (let's not get into how long it's been since I've gotten any), I obviously could use some kind of edge. A fitter, happier me can't hurt in finding Ms. Right. (Or at least "Ms. Right Now"!)


3. No more denying that the Holocaust happened

Old habits die hard, so Number Three on the list here is gonna take some work. I've been denying the Holocaust for a while now, even longer than I've been smoking. Unfortunately for me, there is no patch or gum I can use to help me to quit denying the Holocaust. But I've thought about it, and I know that I want to quit. I know that if I just take it one day at a time, I'll slowly learn to accept the fact that history's version of the Holocaust is, in fact, accurate.


4. No more wire-tapping

All my surveillance gear is going on eBay: I am done with spying on neighbors/friends/family/acquaintances. Hopefully I'll get some money back, because I sure can't get any of my time back - what a bunch of boring biddies! No love affairs, no secret drug problems, no debates about the supposed validity of the Holocaust - I couldn't even stay awake half the time. This year, I'm moving out of my base of central intelligence operations (Dad's basement) and back into the real world.


5. No more feigning profound retardation for my own benefit

I think I've rode this horse for about as far as she'll ride.


6. Take a Tex-Mex course

This one's a redo from a 2006 resolution, because last year I only got through a class and a half before I got kicked out. My bitch instructor got pissy whenever I wanted to have a smoke or when I asked other people taking the course if they had any good reasons for believing the Holocaust occured. I tried to re-enter the same class a week later under the alias "Benjy," but my instructor saw through the slowed speech, contorted face, and ill-fitting clothes and threatened to call the police if I didn't leave immediately. I left, but not without secretly planting a mic in her car on my way out. (As of today, I've yet to overhear anything incriminating enough to get back at her with blackmail. Lucky for her I stopped listening as of this Sunday at 11:59 PM.)

Oh well. Tomatillo Salsa, anyone?