A Message from Brock

As many of you know, over the last few months I have been thinking hard about my plans for 2008. Running for Sigma Chi president is a hella-big decision - a decision no one should make solely on the basis of coming up with the idea last Saturday while getting totally baked and watching Air Force One - and so before I committed myself and my dad's finances to this race, I wanted to see if my suitemates, R.G. and T.J., thought it was a rad idea. "Dude, swiggity sweet!" advised T.J.

I certainly didn't expect to find myself in this position a year ago. But as I've spoken to other sweet dudes in the house besides R.G. and T.J. - Eric, Fritz, A.J., K-Ice, Z, J.T., E-Mac, K.J., J.J. - I've been struck by how hungry we all are for getting girls drunk and having sex with them.

So I've spent some time thinking about how I could best advance the cause of change and progress that we so desperately need, in order to get girls drunk and have sex with them.

The decisions that have been made in Sigma Chi this past year have put our fraternity in a sketchy sitch. Many of you have shared with me your stories about pot getting more expensive, the flip-cup partners you've lost to deactivation, and how really, super-pissed you still are that pot has been getting more expensive. Our continued obligation to philanthropy has been marked by many of you as "faggy" and "hella-gay". And we're still mired in a tragic and costly prank war with Lambda Chi (aka, "Rambda Guy") that should have never been waged when there's so many girls we could be getting drunk and having sex with.

But challenging as these problems are, it's not their magnitude that concerns me the most. It's the smallness of our balls. Sigma Chi has faced big problems before. But today, our Senior leaders seem incapable of using/growing balls, in a practical, unfaggy way. Our agenda has become so sackless, so gummed up by guys acting gay, that we can't tackle the big problems that demand solutions: What is the surest way to get girls drunks enough to allow us to have sex with them?

And that's who we have to have sex with first.

This won't happen by itself. Having sex with drunk girls can only come from you; from pledges across our house who believe there's a better way and are willing to work for it.

Years ago, as a summer camp counselor in Connecticut, I learned that convincing a girl to have sex with you is a long, arduous process. It takes talent, commitment, perseverance, and about six to eight Mike's Hard Lemonades. But, my brothers, it can be done.

So even in the midst of the enormous challenges we face today, I have great faith and hope about the future - because I believe in those of you who aren't totally gay.

And that's why I wanted to tell you first that I'll be rolling papers today with my newly created Balls Exploratory Committee. For the next several weeks, I am going to talk with brothers from around the house, listening and learning more about the girls we want to bone, the girls who will possibly be willing to let us bone them, and the role that alcohol might play in getting the girls who usually wouldn't sleep with us to let us have sex with them. And at the end of semester, at the end of these decisions and in the foosball room, I'll share my plans with my friends, Sigma Chi brothers, and fellow non-homos.

In the meantime, I want to thank all of you for being sweet, for your pot, and special thanks to Mikey J.'s mother for being a total ho and giving it up to me on Mom's Weekend. (Suh-lut!)

Sincerely,
Buff Brock