Austrian Comic Relief

Hi. This is me, The Very Mathias. Sorry about being lazy with postings this week. Unfortunately this trend has to continue for the time being, as I am soon to depart on a week-long school field trip to Vienna.

In the meantime, I invite you to enjoy a comedy skit written by a real life Austrian. It's real, it's uncut, and it might change the way you look at Austrian humorists.


Characters:

TV-Reporter (Male or Female)
Noel Mitzi Unterfranzenberger/Leo/Commodus/Jack
4 Zombies(male or female)/4 Pirates/Green-Matrix/Orange-Guy/Blue-Guy
Fish-Girl/ Liz
German(male or female)
Fish-Guy/Lord Vader/Will
Arnie

TV-Reporter: Hello and welcome to our weekly cinema preview, today live from the “Walk of Shame”-Boulevard here in Pollywood. I am standing here right in front of the Canon-Theatre, where tonight are going to be the 28th Annual Anthony Awards. We’ll have a very special guest today, who has the best chances of winning the Award tonight. But at first we take a short look at three new films, which will come soon to your cinemas. The first one is a sequel to one of the best movies ever. Some thought, how could you make a sequel to this movie, it’s not possible, but our Pollywood stars, made the impossible possible! Prepare to see as the first people on earth the first scenes of the new Blockbuster: Titanic II!

(Leo (gay) to the middle of the stage, waiting and shouting)

Leo: I am the king of the world!!!

(in the background 4 people walk like Zombies from one side of the stage to the other)

Zombie Nr.1: Captain, Iceberg ahead!

Zombie Nr.2, 3, 4: Mine! Mine! Mine! (go to the other side; off)

Leo: (dancing) I am the king of the world!!!

(a guy and a girl come to him, moving their mouths like a fish)

Girl: He sorry, dude!

Leo: I am the king of the world!!! (saying it to them)

(both look wondered)

Guy: Well, have you seen my son, he is orange with white stripes?

Leo: I am the king of the world!!!

Girl: (parroting) Well, yeah King of the world! So have you seen his son ….. Kenny?

Guy: Nemo!

Leo: (angry) I am the king of the world!!!

Girl: Tell you what, Water is sure not good for humans!

(lights to the Reporter)

TV-Reporter: Well! Woow! (takes deep breath) Okay, let’s move to the next one. It’s another movie in the style of Alien vs. Predator, but if you ask me, what in fact you have to do,… I would not even watch it if I had to! Wait, I had to! Oh, fuck! Well,….hm.. Look for yourself. Here is Lord Vader vs. Commodus – (subtitle) with special appearance by the Green Matrix. Of course it’s rated PG!

(lord vader with lightsaber from one side, commodus with sword from other side; both have glasses; lord vader should be small maybe on his knees; commodus)

Lord Vader: You have got my best education-General captive and I want HER back now, or you will feel the power of the force.

Commodus: Hey small one! You will do as I, Commodus the Merciful…..

Lord Vader: Merciful? (laughs)

Commodus: Am I not Merciful?

Lord Vader: No!

Commodus: (goes close to him; shouts) AM I NOT MERCIFUL?

(both start to fight, when suddenly a green guy with a cigarette in the mouth comes on stage, maybe with black glasses, while the others are fighting, he steps in front)

Green: Why, Mr. Anderson? Why, Mr. Fischer? (takes a breath from the cigarette and goes off)

Commodus: I am merciful!

Lord Vader: No your not! (while fighting)

(a person comes on stage and speaks in german)

German: Es tut mir leid, ich bin nicht von hier. Könnten sie mir sagen, wie ich zu einem Studienplatz kommen kann, den ich einem Einheimischen wegnehmen kann?

(an orange and a blue guy come on stage an shout)

Orange, Blue: Foreigners OUT!!!

(German leaves sad, others off with a big smile)

(Commodus pushes Lord Vader away from him to the ground, takes sword)

Commodus: Now you will die! One last wish, blackie?

Lord Vader: Well, yes! What about a grandson?

Commodus: What??

Lord Vader: I AM YOUR FATHER!

Commodus: It seems to me, that I knew it all the time!

Lord Vader: Sure, that’s because you grew up in my house!

(they hug, lights back to Reporter)

TV-Reporter: uuhhh! Well that’s finished, but not for everyone! (nasty laugh) So now we come to the last movie for today. It’s the spin-off from a this year summer blockbuster and the most important fact for us here in lovely bilingual Carinthia is, that it was filmed here. So please enjoy Pirates of the Lake Wörther – At the Ice Ages End.

(Jack, on stage, with bottle, Will enters)

Will: Jack!

Jack: Captain! Captain! Savvy?

Will: Well, (steps on table) Oh Captain, my captain!

Jack: What’s your problem, eunuch?

Will: It’s snowing again!

Jack: aaahhh, why didn’t you say so! (runs crazy around) Hide the rum! – And where the hell are we?

Will: (looking to the landscape) There I see a sign! We are in Celovec. No, no wait, there is a second line. I think it’s Klagenfurt. Yeah, Klagenfurt.

Jack: Wow! I didn’t know, they had bilingual town names the 18th century!

(Liz comes on stage)

Liz: They are coming!

Jack: Who?

Liz: Those bloody pirates!

Jack: But honey, don’t worry, old Jack is with you.(puts arm around her)

(she hits him in the face; Jack running around as he is searching for something)

Will (getting down on the floor again): Why mustn’t she say Captain?

(Jack wants to go off, but at the same time 4 pirates come on stage and he walk backwards to Will and Liz)

Pirate 1: Well, well look what we’ve got here!

Pirate 2: What? (Pirate 1 hits Pirate 2 on the head)

Pirate 3 to Pirate 4: But I still don’t see, how do we know it’s an Ice Age?

Pirate 4: Because of all the ICE!!!!!!!

(Pirate 1 goes to Jack)

Pirate 1: This time you won’t escape, Jack.

Jack: Parley?

(Pirate 1 wants to grasp for his sword, but he has no sword)

Pirate 1: Sword, a kingdom for a sword!

(Will, Liz and Jack run past Pirate 1; Pirate 2 is still holding his head, Pirate 3 and 4 are discussing about the ice; Will and Liz off, Jack turns around)

Jack: Gents, this is the day, that you will always remember, as the day that you AGAIN almost caught Captain Jack…(a hand grasps his mouth and pulls him off)

TV-Reporter: Finally, and here is our special guest, the star of all three movies you just saw, Noel-Mitzi Unterfranzenberger! (Noel comes on stage, like on the red carpet, smiling, waving to fans, shake hands with reporter) Hello Noel, I am allowed to say Noel to you, am I not?*laughs* How are you?

Noel: Thanks!

TV-Reporter: (look confused) Ja. Are you excited that you are nominated three times as best leading actor?

Noel: Yeah, sure! You know, I am just a young actor, who had luck. It’s just great to be here with all the stars. I am absolutely thrilled…

TV-Reporter: Yes, (interrupted)

Noel: wooow….

TV-Reporter: Okay, (interrupted)

Noel: It’s crazy. You know, I never would have dreamed of standing here and…

TV-Reporter: Great, (interrupted)

Noel: and … you know…and……

TV-Reporter: Well, could we just go on?

Noel: (ignoring him)Being nominated three times. (starting to cry) It’s so wonderful.

TV-Reporter: May I? Well, (sigh) let’s talk about your parts in your three new films. How was it to play so different characters in such a short time?

Noel: It was hard (pause)

TV-Reporter: and?

Noel: No, I won’t answer any questions about my private life.

TV-Reporter: I did not ask you…(interrupted)

Noel: I won’t tell you that I have a new girlfriend.

TV-Reporter: I don’t mind!

Noel: (secretly)We met on the Titanic set.

TV-Reporter: (angry) Can’t you just give bloody answers to my bloody questions??

Noel: Sure! Calm down, buddy! (put arm around him)

TV-Reporter: (put arm down again) I’m not your buddy! (deep breath) One last question. Tell me, what role did you always want to play?

Noel: Well……. you know……. I don’t know…..

TV-Reporter: Okay, forget it!

Noel: No, no, I got it!

TV-Reporter: WOOW!

Noel: (dramatically)I always thought that I would be a better Terminator. Maybe one day….. (interrupted by Arnie, with a gun)

(Reporter falls to the floor)

TV-Reporter: Why me?? Bloody actors!!!

Arnie: Nobody plays the Terminator except for the Governator! Hasta La Vista Baby!!!

(lights off)

Der Urlacher ißt Den Tiki!

If it's the middle of a Sunday night and you're watching network television in America, chances are you're watching infomercials for knives that cut steel or all the 60s folk ballads you've ever wanted on nineteen limited edition CDs. (Unless you're watching FOX, in which case you're watching really tempting phone sex ads.)

But if you're watching TV at 3AM on Austrian network television, you're watching NFL Sunday Night Football. You're also probably not Austrian.

Mix a six-hour time difference with a concern for that crucial insomniac-American-sports-fan demographic and you've got Sunday (Late, Late) Night Football as put on by ÖRF 1 – the first of Austria's two network channels.

For this past Sunday's installment of SNF: ÖRF style, my Chicago Bears were playing the New York Giants in a game to decide who the dominate force in the NFC is. Of course, I watched. This is how it went...

1:45
Alarm goes off. I've been sleeping for the past four hours so I can make it through the whole game, which I figure will probably go until about 5:30 or so. (I have work at 7:45 in the morning.)

I brew a pot of coffee and down the first two cups in a flash. About six cups left – plenty to keep me up.

2:00
I cozy up real intimate like to my friend's borrowed TV and keep the volume low so as not to wake my roommates. I flick on ÖRF 1 to discover that the game isn't going to start until 2:30AM. You know what that means: Austrian pregame show.

The announcers introduce themselves. They're speaking exclusively in German (and continue to do so throughout the broadcast). The play-by-play man is Bernhard Rusch, and the color commentator is Christian Mairitsch. Rusch and Mairitsch get into a Holmes/Watson routine, with Rusch asking basic questions and Mairitsch playing expert.

RUSCH: How many minutes do the football men play for?

MAIRITSCH: Sixty.

RUSCH: Who are the zebra men?

MAIRITSCH: Officials. They enforce the rules.

RUSCH: What is the ball made of?

MAIRITSCH: The skin of a pig, I believe.

2:05
Cut from a shot of the announcers to a map of the continental U.S. map that stays on screen for ten straight minutes. Rusch and Mairitsch discuss where Chicago is and where New York is. Both announcers agree that America is entirely too large.

Still a shot of the map. Mairitsch points out that the Bears want to win this game to prove that Chicago is not the "second city." The Giants, however, are determined to prove that New York is a superior place to live.

Two minutes of silence.

Rusch chips in that the Chicago players play for the pride of Bears, while the New York players fight for Giants.

Three minutes of silence.

2:15
Finally a new shot. This one's a faraway angle shot of the field. Unfortunately, this particular shot doesn't change for five minutes. In between long gaps of silence, Rusch and Mairitsch discuss the players' uniforms.

RUSCH: The Chicago players are wearing white, yes?

MAIRITSCH: Yes.

RUSCH: And so tonight they play for polar bears?

MAIRITSCH: I believe so.

RUSCH: The New Yorks are blue giants?

MAIRITSCH: It appears that way. They cannot be green giants, because there is a green giant American vegetable company.

RUSCH: We will see tonight if these blue giants ate their vegetables!

MAIRITSCH: Yes, for if they haven't, the polar bears may eat the blue giants! (Bellowing laughter.)

RUSCH: (Screetchy, child-like laughter.)

2:20
Cut to an American-made special interest piece on Tiki Barber. In it he reads from his children's book to New York school kids. Commentators agree Tiki is one of the most caring people in the huge country that is America.

2:25
An uneasiness swells inside my stomach. Too much coffee? No. I just watched the Sunday Night Football music intro featuring Pink. Pink???!!! Where the hell is the cowboy who repeatedly enquires as to whether I am ready for some football? Is this what's happened to football since my departure? I do some push-ups to make myself better about what I've just seen. And I finish another cup of coffee.

2:30
Finally: kick-off. Giants get possession and just march straight down the field, only for Jay Feely to blow a makeable field goal. Instead of cutting to commercial for the change of possession, ÖRF stays with the game. Why? Because Austrians don't do commercials. As a result, the camera stays on Feely for about two minutes longer than what I get back home. Rusch and Mairitsch are quick to analyze:

RUSCH: He appears to be full of shame.

MAIRITSCH: I agree. It is likely he feels terrible.

RUSCH: Disgraceful.

The game returns, and the rest of the first quarter is painful and slow. Rex Grossman throws a "Who was that to?" interception that brings a more intense discomfort to my stomach than the one brought on by Pink. Giants score a touchdown. Bears manage a field goal out of the first quarter, thank God.

The first quarter takes an hour. In the one Bears game I'm trying to watch in my life in the middle of the night, the first quarter lasts unspeakably long. Despite all the coffee, it's 3:30 and I'm starting to fade. I pour myself another cup during a should-be commercial break.

I miss commercials. The hour-long first quarter would've gone by twice as fast if I had some commercials trying to get me to buy stuff. If you're watching a sitcom, or an hour-long drama, then the no-commercials rule is great. But for sporting events, and especially for football, not having commercials is downright cruel. At the start of the second quarter, both announcers are pretty comfortable with the fact that they have run out of things to say. My eyelids are getting heavy. The coffee I brewed earlier is starting to get lukewarm. Just the right temperature for chugging.

3:47
The Giants tackle Bears running back Thomas Jones behind the line for a four-yard loss. Rusch calls it the first sack of the game, but Mairitsch corrects him, saying it only counts as a sack when the defense tackles the passer. Rusch apologizes and then says nothing for the next two minutes while plays are happening. Mairitsch also says nothing for these two minutes.

3:55
Giant offensive lineman Luke Petitgout gets hurt when a Bears D-lineman falls and rolls on his ankle. The injury is shown in slow motion, then shown in reverse slow motion, and then shown again in slow motion. It is then reversed in slow motion, after which it is shown in forward slow motion. All in all I saw the injury happen eleven times, six times forwards and five times backwards. After a while ÖRF has convinced me that shit must've hurt.

4:02
Near the end of the first half. Bears score a big touchdown that cuts the lead to three before the half. I pump my fist quietly (so as not to disturb my roommates), but also weakly because of the exhaustion. This makes no sense. I have had seven, SEVEN cups of coffee in two hours – I should be more jacked up than Howard Dean at a campaign rally.

4:03
I fall asleep. Just like that.

5:27
My bladder whispers to me, "Hey, um, you might want to make a trip to the restroom." I shift, slightly, and fall back asleep.

5:28
My bladder marches down to my groin, grabs the family jewels, and yells, "I WASN'T @$&%ING AROUND. GET UP. NOW." I sprint to the bathroom and manage to find the light just in time to avoid disaster.

I trudge back to the TV and do a double take when I see the score: Bears 38, Giants 20. There's five minutes left in the game, and the Bears have the ball and are just killing the clock. I missed the best part of the game. I mumble obscenities and retreat to bed.

GERMAN LANGUAGE LESSON OF THE DAY:

"Koffenfrei" does not, as I thought, mean "coffin free". It means "decaf".

Selected Moments in the Life of Johnny K. Murlee. Volume One: Years 17-26

Age 17 JOHNNY's invitation to take a girl to homecoming is rejected:

So "no" then? Alright. Of course I'm not upset. After all, the three girls before you said no, so why shouldn't you? I'm sorry, that was out of line. It's just that...it's just I can't help but feel you're all saying no to me because of my condition. Well I guess I'm sorry. I can't [tears well up] I can't help that. I never asked to be born prematurely, it just happened! [Turns and runs out of girls' restroom.]


Age 18 JOHNNY responds to a Harvard University undergraduate application essay prompt:

All of us everywhere see demonstrations of courage everyday: the fireman rushing into a burning building; the police officer risking her life to save a complete stranger; the premature birth survivor who defies all odds and makes the high school varsity lacrosse team. It is these types of people and not a dictionary that define courage. I should know. I happen to know someone who is a premature birth survivor. His name is Johnny K. Murlee, and he is me. And he/I has/have played two seasons of varsity lacrosse for the Broadview West High School three-time state champion lacrosse team.


Age 22 JOHNNY in the final stages of an interview with CHESTER HOWARD of Grizzly, Howard, & Parsons law firm:

HOWARD: Mr. Murlee, it is clear to me that you have had all of the experience required to work for Grizzly, Howard, & Parsons. In fact, everything you've said up to this point has impressed me very much. But tell me, Mr. Murlee, what is it about you that makes you special? That separates you from all the other people who want to work for G.H.P.?

MURLEE: You know sir, the first person who ever told me I was special was my very own mother. As I've already mentioned to you a few times now, I was born prematurely. My mother, sir, always used to tell me, "Johnny, you know why you were born so early? It was because God just couldn't wait around any longer to get you into the world." So Mr. Howard, what you gotta just understand [tears well up] is that's how I approach life: one month and fourteen days before everybody else who was born on November 13th.

HOWARD: [Looks down.] Mr. Murlee, I want you to know that very few people are able to get a job at Grizzly, Howard, & Parsons. You...are one of them. Congratulations, you're our new receptionist.


Age 23 JOHNNY meets a woman at a club:

Say, you're not a bad dancer. I might be half as good a dancer as you are if I could have had all nine months to develop in my mother's womb - instead I got stuck with no rhythm and those then-tiny organs! Haha, I'm just kidding. Scientists still haven't made any connections between fetus gestation length and dancing skill. Anyways, what's your name? Well Stacy, think maybe I could get your number and call you up sometime? Yeah I'm serious, haha, why wouldn't I be? You're funny. But really, can I get that number? Well, if you ask me [tears well up], your heart could have used some more time in the womb! [Turns and runs out of Lollipops Gentlemen's Club.]


Age 24 JOHNNY goes to the dentist:

DENTIST: So pretty crummy weather we've been havin', huh?

MURLEE: Huh hehuhr hoehh hahuhr hee. Hehrehay eh ha hoo hay hwhe hoo har ha hreehahure hirh hurhighhur.

DENTIST: [Retracts tooth mirror from MURLEE'S mouth.] Sorry, what?

MURLEE: Oh, I just said, "The weather doesn't bother me. Everyday is a good day when you are a premature birth survivor."


Age 25 JOHNNY discusses membership details over the phone with a representative of Better Fitness Gym:

$125 a month sounds fair. And I really like that you guys have racquetball courts. Tell me, does all of your strength training equipment pass P.M.B.S. standards? Uh, P.M.B.S. "Premature birth survivor." What? You don't have those standards? You've never heard of them? In that case maybe I'll just give Body Balance Gym a call. [Tears well up.] Good...goodbye. [Turns and runs out of kitchen.]

[Re-enters kitchen and hangs up phone.]


Age 26 JOHNNY converses with MICHAEL QUINCY, a copyright lawyer at G.H.P., in the G.H.P. break room:

QUINCY: Hey man, so I hear it's your birthday in a couple weeks.

MURLEE: Ugh. Yep.

QUINCY: Haha, I hear ya. I hate birthdays too: the unwanted attention, all the fuss, having a bunch of people who aren't really your friends pretending to like you when you pretty much can't stand them. Man it's a headache more than anything.

MURLEE: That's all true, but I especially don't like birthdays because they remind me of that time in my life when I was an infant who had just been born a month and fourteen days early. Going from one day to the next and not knowing if my underdeveloped organs were going to hold up. Every day was a fight for my life. Sure, I survived. But how much of myself did I lose along the way?

QUINCY: ...

MURLEE: Birthdays. Boy, they sure are the pits.

Retirement

Doorbell.

– Hello.

– Oh of course! At the old Welbury's house by the corner.

– Great people indeed. I hope they love Florida. Well, welcome to the neighborhood.

– You're welcome. I trust you've enjoyed the neighborhood so far.

– You don't say. Vandalism? That really doesn't happen often here.

– Oh, so an "egging." Yeah, I did that once or twice when I was a teenager.

– No, yes I agree – it's not funny. I regret it entirely. Did you happen to catch who did it?

– Ah, the Timmins boy. Roger's his name. Well, he used to be friends with my boy, Eric. I know he's a good kid. He just does stupid things like this from time to time. Some boys have to go through that phase, don't they?

– Um, well actually, I doubt that the next phase is terrorism. Don't you think that's a little–

– Yes, Eric was friends with Roger. They don't really see much of each other any more. Why do you–

– No, I really don't consider my son a "known unknown." I actually have no idea what you even mean by that.

– Search my house? For what?

– What difference does it make if we have eggs?

– A "breakfast of mass destruction"?

– I'm not aiding and abetting anybody, friend. I just don't want you rummaging through my kitchen for eggs.

– I seriously doubt you have a warrant.

– OK then, let me see it.

– That's handwritten. In crayon. And it's signed, "A judge."

– Hey! Get your hands off of me!

– (Grunting.) Are you...are you trying to spit in my mouth?

– (Panting.) Just…just get up and get off of my property.

– What? No, you can't have any Crisco. Is that what this was all about?

Specific, Pertinent Advice From Your Close Friend, Mathias

Not a day goes by without someone suggesting to me that making friends with a Leprechaun is one of the best things you can do in life.

"The pot of gold," they say. "The source of good luck. The constant companionship and deeply rooted camaraderie. Yes Mathias, on all accounts a Leprechaun is a fine friend to have indeed."

All correct and valid points. However, these positives hardly make up for the reality that there will be times when your Leprechaun friend takes his shirt off. This will happen – I assure you. The ramifications are drastic.

You probably wouldn't think that anything about a Leprechaun's image could be offensive. Picture a Leprechaun as they are typically portrayed in movies, in commercials, or on the news: the green topcoat and old-fashioned pipe, the buckled shoes and yellow stockings, the twinkling eyes and full red beard. A charming image, to be sure.

But underneath the snappy green blazer and ornate four-button vest hides a bulbous white canvas, decorated with unruly red hair and freckles the size of deer hoof prints. Imagine the sensation of staring directly at the sun, only the sun is two feet away from you and the sun's armpits smell of cabbage and corn beef.

Maybe you have a particularly strong stomach and can handle this ghastly sight – what about your loved ones? Let's say your Leprechaun friend accompanies you and your non-Leprechaun friends to a movie. How will you console your friends when your Leprechaun whispers across the aisle, "Is there anyone prettier these days than Scarlett Johansen? She's so pretty I could just take my shirt off." And he does. And your friends look to you with appalled, blaming eyes. What will you say?

Or imagine if you invited your Leprechaun friend to a family dinner. Surely, before the meal is served, the Leprechaun will regale everyone with his accent and Irish folk stories. But when the meal starts, the Leprechaun (as per Leprechaun custom) will remove his jacket and shirt to eat his meal half-nude. With the dinner candlelight illuminating his clammy, bright-white skin, everyone notices whenever a half-eaten potato scallop trails from his mouth and gets caught in his chest hair. Will your new friend reflect as poorly on you as the candlelight reflects on his zombie-white torso?

The discomfort that comes from either you or your loved ones will be enough to require a breaking up of sorts. This will be a most painful and pitiful separation. On the day you have decided to part ways, you will come home from work to find the Leprechaun (topless, of course) swaying back and forth in a rocking chair as a half-eaten bucket of fried chicken rests upon his protruding stomach. He will probably be watching an episode of CSI. The Leprechaun will know something is wrong when you somberly ask him to turn off the television and put down the three quarters-eaten bucket of chicken. (Leprechauns eat quickly.) There will be pleading and promises coming from him. "Ye can't do thes tah me! Pleaese! Me shirt'll never come off a-gain!" The pleas will pull at your heartstrings, but with the chest in plain sight, you will do what must be done. And before the night is through, your topless Leprechaun's beard will be soaked with tears and mucus.

He may return to your apartment with a mashed potato pie and the director's cut of Boondock Saints. "Raymember weht whey had? Raymember?" For a second, you might just consider letting him back into your life. But before you have time to respond, he will unconsciously be unbuttoning his shirt and sliding off the sleeves. And then you will raymember why you couldn't be friends with him anymore.

How do you spare yourself all this grief? Just deny friendship with a Leprechaun the next time one you meet one at work, church, or the mall.