Austrian Comic Relief

Hi. This is me, The Very Mathias. Sorry about being lazy with postings this week. Unfortunately this trend has to continue for the time being, as I am soon to depart on a week-long school field trip to Vienna.

In the meantime, I invite you to enjoy a comedy skit written by a real life Austrian. It's real, it's uncut, and it might change the way you look at Austrian humorists.


Characters:

TV-Reporter (Male or Female)
Noel Mitzi Unterfranzenberger/Leo/Commodus/Jack
4 Zombies(male or female)/4 Pirates/Green-Matrix/Orange-Guy/Blue-Guy
Fish-Girl/ Liz
German(male or female)
Fish-Guy/Lord Vader/Will
Arnie

TV-Reporter: Hello and welcome to our weekly cinema preview, today live from the “Walk of Shame”-Boulevard here in Pollywood. I am standing here right in front of the Canon-Theatre, where tonight are going to be the 28th Annual Anthony Awards. We’ll have a very special guest today, who has the best chances of winning the Award tonight. But at first we take a short look at three new films, which will come soon to your cinemas. The first one is a sequel to one of the best movies ever. Some thought, how could you make a sequel to this movie, it’s not possible, but our Pollywood stars, made the impossible possible! Prepare to see as the first people on earth the first scenes of the new Blockbuster: Titanic II!

(Leo (gay) to the middle of the stage, waiting and shouting)

Leo: I am the king of the world!!!

(in the background 4 people walk like Zombies from one side of the stage to the other)

Zombie Nr.1: Captain, Iceberg ahead!

Zombie Nr.2, 3, 4: Mine! Mine! Mine! (go to the other side; off)

Leo: (dancing) I am the king of the world!!!

(a guy and a girl come to him, moving their mouths like a fish)

Girl: He sorry, dude!

Leo: I am the king of the world!!! (saying it to them)

(both look wondered)

Guy: Well, have you seen my son, he is orange with white stripes?

Leo: I am the king of the world!!!

Girl: (parroting) Well, yeah King of the world! So have you seen his son ….. Kenny?

Guy: Nemo!

Leo: (angry) I am the king of the world!!!

Girl: Tell you what, Water is sure not good for humans!

(lights to the Reporter)

TV-Reporter: Well! Woow! (takes deep breath) Okay, let’s move to the next one. It’s another movie in the style of Alien vs. Predator, but if you ask me, what in fact you have to do,… I would not even watch it if I had to! Wait, I had to! Oh, fuck! Well,….hm.. Look for yourself. Here is Lord Vader vs. Commodus – (subtitle) with special appearance by the Green Matrix. Of course it’s rated PG!

(lord vader with lightsaber from one side, commodus with sword from other side; both have glasses; lord vader should be small maybe on his knees; commodus)

Lord Vader: You have got my best education-General captive and I want HER back now, or you will feel the power of the force.

Commodus: Hey small one! You will do as I, Commodus the Merciful…..

Lord Vader: Merciful? (laughs)

Commodus: Am I not Merciful?

Lord Vader: No!

Commodus: (goes close to him; shouts) AM I NOT MERCIFUL?

(both start to fight, when suddenly a green guy with a cigarette in the mouth comes on stage, maybe with black glasses, while the others are fighting, he steps in front)

Green: Why, Mr. Anderson? Why, Mr. Fischer? (takes a breath from the cigarette and goes off)

Commodus: I am merciful!

Lord Vader: No your not! (while fighting)

(a person comes on stage and speaks in german)

German: Es tut mir leid, ich bin nicht von hier. Könnten sie mir sagen, wie ich zu einem Studienplatz kommen kann, den ich einem Einheimischen wegnehmen kann?

(an orange and a blue guy come on stage an shout)

Orange, Blue: Foreigners OUT!!!

(German leaves sad, others off with a big smile)

(Commodus pushes Lord Vader away from him to the ground, takes sword)

Commodus: Now you will die! One last wish, blackie?

Lord Vader: Well, yes! What about a grandson?

Commodus: What??

Lord Vader: I AM YOUR FATHER!

Commodus: It seems to me, that I knew it all the time!

Lord Vader: Sure, that’s because you grew up in my house!

(they hug, lights back to Reporter)

TV-Reporter: uuhhh! Well that’s finished, but not for everyone! (nasty laugh) So now we come to the last movie for today. It’s the spin-off from a this year summer blockbuster and the most important fact for us here in lovely bilingual Carinthia is, that it was filmed here. So please enjoy Pirates of the Lake Wörther – At the Ice Ages End.

(Jack, on stage, with bottle, Will enters)

Will: Jack!

Jack: Captain! Captain! Savvy?

Will: Well, (steps on table) Oh Captain, my captain!

Jack: What’s your problem, eunuch?

Will: It’s snowing again!

Jack: aaahhh, why didn’t you say so! (runs crazy around) Hide the rum! – And where the hell are we?

Will: (looking to the landscape) There I see a sign! We are in Celovec. No, no wait, there is a second line. I think it’s Klagenfurt. Yeah, Klagenfurt.

Jack: Wow! I didn’t know, they had bilingual town names the 18th century!

(Liz comes on stage)

Liz: They are coming!

Jack: Who?

Liz: Those bloody pirates!

Jack: But honey, don’t worry, old Jack is with you.(puts arm around her)

(she hits him in the face; Jack running around as he is searching for something)

Will (getting down on the floor again): Why mustn’t she say Captain?

(Jack wants to go off, but at the same time 4 pirates come on stage and he walk backwards to Will and Liz)

Pirate 1: Well, well look what we’ve got here!

Pirate 2: What? (Pirate 1 hits Pirate 2 on the head)

Pirate 3 to Pirate 4: But I still don’t see, how do we know it’s an Ice Age?

Pirate 4: Because of all the ICE!!!!!!!

(Pirate 1 goes to Jack)

Pirate 1: This time you won’t escape, Jack.

Jack: Parley?

(Pirate 1 wants to grasp for his sword, but he has no sword)

Pirate 1: Sword, a kingdom for a sword!

(Will, Liz and Jack run past Pirate 1; Pirate 2 is still holding his head, Pirate 3 and 4 are discussing about the ice; Will and Liz off, Jack turns around)

Jack: Gents, this is the day, that you will always remember, as the day that you AGAIN almost caught Captain Jack…(a hand grasps his mouth and pulls him off)

TV-Reporter: Finally, and here is our special guest, the star of all three movies you just saw, Noel-Mitzi Unterfranzenberger! (Noel comes on stage, like on the red carpet, smiling, waving to fans, shake hands with reporter) Hello Noel, I am allowed to say Noel to you, am I not?*laughs* How are you?

Noel: Thanks!

TV-Reporter: (look confused) Ja. Are you excited that you are nominated three times as best leading actor?

Noel: Yeah, sure! You know, I am just a young actor, who had luck. It’s just great to be here with all the stars. I am absolutely thrilled…

TV-Reporter: Yes, (interrupted)

Noel: wooow….

TV-Reporter: Okay, (interrupted)

Noel: It’s crazy. You know, I never would have dreamed of standing here and…

TV-Reporter: Great, (interrupted)

Noel: and … you know…and……

TV-Reporter: Well, could we just go on?

Noel: (ignoring him)Being nominated three times. (starting to cry) It’s so wonderful.

TV-Reporter: May I? Well, (sigh) let’s talk about your parts in your three new films. How was it to play so different characters in such a short time?

Noel: It was hard (pause)

TV-Reporter: and?

Noel: No, I won’t answer any questions about my private life.

TV-Reporter: I did not ask you…(interrupted)

Noel: I won’t tell you that I have a new girlfriend.

TV-Reporter: I don’t mind!

Noel: (secretly)We met on the Titanic set.

TV-Reporter: (angry) Can’t you just give bloody answers to my bloody questions??

Noel: Sure! Calm down, buddy! (put arm around him)

TV-Reporter: (put arm down again) I’m not your buddy! (deep breath) One last question. Tell me, what role did you always want to play?

Noel: Well……. you know……. I don’t know…..

TV-Reporter: Okay, forget it!

Noel: No, no, I got it!

TV-Reporter: WOOW!

Noel: (dramatically)I always thought that I would be a better Terminator. Maybe one day….. (interrupted by Arnie, with a gun)

(Reporter falls to the floor)

TV-Reporter: Why me?? Bloody actors!!!

Arnie: Nobody plays the Terminator except for the Governator! Hasta La Vista Baby!!!

(lights off)