Der Urlacher ißt Den Tiki!

If it's the middle of a Sunday night and you're watching network television in America, chances are you're watching infomercials for knives that cut steel or all the 60s folk ballads you've ever wanted on nineteen limited edition CDs. (Unless you're watching FOX, in which case you're watching really tempting phone sex ads.)

But if you're watching TV at 3AM on Austrian network television, you're watching NFL Sunday Night Football. You're also probably not Austrian.

Mix a six-hour time difference with a concern for that crucial insomniac-American-sports-fan demographic and you've got Sunday (Late, Late) Night Football as put on by ÖRF 1 – the first of Austria's two network channels.

For this past Sunday's installment of SNF: ÖRF style, my Chicago Bears were playing the New York Giants in a game to decide who the dominate force in the NFC is. Of course, I watched. This is how it went...

1:45
Alarm goes off. I've been sleeping for the past four hours so I can make it through the whole game, which I figure will probably go until about 5:30 or so. (I have work at 7:45 in the morning.)

I brew a pot of coffee and down the first two cups in a flash. About six cups left – plenty to keep me up.

2:00
I cozy up real intimate like to my friend's borrowed TV and keep the volume low so as not to wake my roommates. I flick on ÖRF 1 to discover that the game isn't going to start until 2:30AM. You know what that means: Austrian pregame show.

The announcers introduce themselves. They're speaking exclusively in German (and continue to do so throughout the broadcast). The play-by-play man is Bernhard Rusch, and the color commentator is Christian Mairitsch. Rusch and Mairitsch get into a Holmes/Watson routine, with Rusch asking basic questions and Mairitsch playing expert.

RUSCH: How many minutes do the football men play for?

MAIRITSCH: Sixty.

RUSCH: Who are the zebra men?

MAIRITSCH: Officials. They enforce the rules.

RUSCH: What is the ball made of?

MAIRITSCH: The skin of a pig, I believe.

2:05
Cut from a shot of the announcers to a map of the continental U.S. map that stays on screen for ten straight minutes. Rusch and Mairitsch discuss where Chicago is and where New York is. Both announcers agree that America is entirely too large.

Still a shot of the map. Mairitsch points out that the Bears want to win this game to prove that Chicago is not the "second city." The Giants, however, are determined to prove that New York is a superior place to live.

Two minutes of silence.

Rusch chips in that the Chicago players play for the pride of Bears, while the New York players fight for Giants.

Three minutes of silence.

2:15
Finally a new shot. This one's a faraway angle shot of the field. Unfortunately, this particular shot doesn't change for five minutes. In between long gaps of silence, Rusch and Mairitsch discuss the players' uniforms.

RUSCH: The Chicago players are wearing white, yes?

MAIRITSCH: Yes.

RUSCH: And so tonight they play for polar bears?

MAIRITSCH: I believe so.

RUSCH: The New Yorks are blue giants?

MAIRITSCH: It appears that way. They cannot be green giants, because there is a green giant American vegetable company.

RUSCH: We will see tonight if these blue giants ate their vegetables!

MAIRITSCH: Yes, for if they haven't, the polar bears may eat the blue giants! (Bellowing laughter.)

RUSCH: (Screetchy, child-like laughter.)

2:20
Cut to an American-made special interest piece on Tiki Barber. In it he reads from his children's book to New York school kids. Commentators agree Tiki is one of the most caring people in the huge country that is America.

2:25
An uneasiness swells inside my stomach. Too much coffee? No. I just watched the Sunday Night Football music intro featuring Pink. Pink???!!! Where the hell is the cowboy who repeatedly enquires as to whether I am ready for some football? Is this what's happened to football since my departure? I do some push-ups to make myself better about what I've just seen. And I finish another cup of coffee.

2:30
Finally: kick-off. Giants get possession and just march straight down the field, only for Jay Feely to blow a makeable field goal. Instead of cutting to commercial for the change of possession, ÖRF stays with the game. Why? Because Austrians don't do commercials. As a result, the camera stays on Feely for about two minutes longer than what I get back home. Rusch and Mairitsch are quick to analyze:

RUSCH: He appears to be full of shame.

MAIRITSCH: I agree. It is likely he feels terrible.

RUSCH: Disgraceful.

The game returns, and the rest of the first quarter is painful and slow. Rex Grossman throws a "Who was that to?" interception that brings a more intense discomfort to my stomach than the one brought on by Pink. Giants score a touchdown. Bears manage a field goal out of the first quarter, thank God.

The first quarter takes an hour. In the one Bears game I'm trying to watch in my life in the middle of the night, the first quarter lasts unspeakably long. Despite all the coffee, it's 3:30 and I'm starting to fade. I pour myself another cup during a should-be commercial break.

I miss commercials. The hour-long first quarter would've gone by twice as fast if I had some commercials trying to get me to buy stuff. If you're watching a sitcom, or an hour-long drama, then the no-commercials rule is great. But for sporting events, and especially for football, not having commercials is downright cruel. At the start of the second quarter, both announcers are pretty comfortable with the fact that they have run out of things to say. My eyelids are getting heavy. The coffee I brewed earlier is starting to get lukewarm. Just the right temperature for chugging.

3:47
The Giants tackle Bears running back Thomas Jones behind the line for a four-yard loss. Rusch calls it the first sack of the game, but Mairitsch corrects him, saying it only counts as a sack when the defense tackles the passer. Rusch apologizes and then says nothing for the next two minutes while plays are happening. Mairitsch also says nothing for these two minutes.

3:55
Giant offensive lineman Luke Petitgout gets hurt when a Bears D-lineman falls and rolls on his ankle. The injury is shown in slow motion, then shown in reverse slow motion, and then shown again in slow motion. It is then reversed in slow motion, after which it is shown in forward slow motion. All in all I saw the injury happen eleven times, six times forwards and five times backwards. After a while ÖRF has convinced me that shit must've hurt.

4:02
Near the end of the first half. Bears score a big touchdown that cuts the lead to three before the half. I pump my fist quietly (so as not to disturb my roommates), but also weakly because of the exhaustion. This makes no sense. I have had seven, SEVEN cups of coffee in two hours – I should be more jacked up than Howard Dean at a campaign rally.

4:03
I fall asleep. Just like that.

5:27
My bladder whispers to me, "Hey, um, you might want to make a trip to the restroom." I shift, slightly, and fall back asleep.

5:28
My bladder marches down to my groin, grabs the family jewels, and yells, "I WASN'T @$&%ING AROUND. GET UP. NOW." I sprint to the bathroom and manage to find the light just in time to avoid disaster.

I trudge back to the TV and do a double take when I see the score: Bears 38, Giants 20. There's five minutes left in the game, and the Bears have the ball and are just killing the clock. I missed the best part of the game. I mumble obscenities and retreat to bed.

GERMAN LANGUAGE LESSON OF THE DAY:

"Koffenfrei" does not, as I thought, mean "coffin free". It means "decaf".